[jaziz69]

Hi, I'm just trying to give constructive criticism, so sorry if i sound a bit harsh at any time! In first instances I found your description extremely vivid and enjoyable; your detail enabled me to construct a clear image of what may be happening. However, i felt as i read on some of this description was quite unnecessary and didn't really move the narrative along, although i realise that this seems a mainly descriptive piece. Sometimes i also felt certain language and words you used drew away from the 'fear' of the hell situation e.g.

"My muscles were relaxed because they had no power. I could not use them, so they stayed in the futile sludge that they were."

You probably could loose the second sentence in this quote as well, although it's obviously completely up to you.
It almost seemed that in the second half of the story you sometimes got a bit 'sloppy' with your description and it sometimes didn't keep in with the 'hellish' syntax.
This line really bugged me as well:

"It looked over its shoulder and behind itself for a moment, which signified that a thought had arisen in its mind. The thought must have been wondering if I was talking to her when I spoke, or someone behind her. She didn't know; therefore, she wasn't a God."

It just seems a bit of a messy sentence, but hey, that what editing's for!

Someone also posted before about the extreme uses of "I", and i have to agree. I really does slow the narrative and halt the flow.

I liked the ending, but it seems rather abrupt considering the descriptive length of everything prior; it feels a bit rushed. You have a cool idea, and i think with some more development you could really give it that 'fear factor'.

Keep writing, all the best.