There are way too many comas...and it makes the story difficult to read...
Quote:
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The sound of rusted old hinges, coming from the entrance gates as they swing wide open, while nearly falling off in the process, signals the arrival of the grave digger.
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There is a real lack of description in this story, as a writer you don't want to just say what is going on. As a writer you need to describe what is happening and give details. At one point you write the caretaker is carrying "JD", I assume you mean Jack Daniels Whiskey but why are you abbreviating? Showing the reader that the caretaker is carrying whiskey is a cool detail, but you just need to describe it a little better.
Idea: "the whiskey in the caretakers flask swishes back and fourth, as he lumbers along his way" (or something like that)
Why is it called "I, Zombie"? It's not like a journal or first person account of what it's like to be a zombie or anything...aside from just being a cool title I don't really see how it fits.
The core ideas are interesting, that is to say the idea for the story is a good one. I love zombie movies, and the horror genre so naturally I want to like this story. It's a good attempt, and pretty creative.
