The first thing that jumps out at me here is that there are a lot of punctuation, capitalization, and spelling mistakes. Mistakes like those make it really hard for the reader to follow the story. If you had just typed this story in Microsoft Word first many of these simple mistakes would have been caught.
REMINDER: To have a complete sentence you must have a subject and a predicate. Checkout this link to refresh yourself on some basic sentence structure...
http://www.arts.uottawa.ca/writcent/.../sntstrct.html
Quote:
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the real story is to terryfying and blood thursty to tell. but I will tell you this version of the story because of you herd the real story. you would be driven insane.
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Capitalize the first letter of the first word in a sentence, always. In this quote alone you have four misspellings. Terrifying, thirsty, heard and too.
I like how the story starts, you do a good job pulling the reader in. You should work on including more dialog. Dialog helps the reader know what the characters are thinking and feeling, this fleshes them out and makes them seem more real. Along with dialog, you could try to be more descriptive.
Quote:
My 1st day came and I was ready for it. Tall and strong. I 1st assiment was to go with a swat team to arrest this woman witch had brocken the law by sneaking drugs into her car and when the police caught her she had driven away as fast as she could in her car. they had tracked her down. And it was my job to capture and arrest her. she had tacken hostages. The swat team managed to get them out befpre any unrepairable damage was done to them.
eventuly we got the girl and arrested her. And according to the cheif of police at our station Max Stanford. I had done such a great assiment with this that i would be promoted to detective. I was overjoyed my dream had come true.
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There is a huge opportunity for an intense action scene in these paragraphs. You are the writer, you need to paint the picture for the audience. Instead, you write "eventually we got the girl and arrested her". Imagine you were watching a James Bond movie and instead of showing 007 catching the super villain, you just saw Bond sitting by the pool saying "thank god I got that guy, he totally would have blown up the world". While writing stories you should be vague on somethings, and detailed in others. This story is a police drama/mystery "shoot em' up", if you need to be detailed in anything it's the part of the story where the main character is "shooting em' up".