[alloallo3]

I thought this was terrific. Your use of language is very creative -- and exciting.

Points:

There is a sudden shift in tone in the last few sentences. My guess is that you'd done your thing and wanted to move on. I wish I had something specific to offer by way of example, but I would rewrite it so it doesn't sound like you're slamming on the brakes.

The creative language makes this occasionally a little difficult to follow, primarily because I'm sometimes not sure if you're doing something stylistic or just making a small error. For example, the phrase "said calm quiet voice." If you mean "she said in a calm quiet voice," it should be written that way. But to personify, to say that "calm quiet voice" actually spoke, is really cool.

I wonder, too, how it would read if you rewrote the entire piece in the present tense. Might be an interesting experiment.

Here are a few suggestions, found in order in the story:

rip off his clothes (instead of cloth)
to let the rain hammer him (remove on)
He sighed (kill so instead,)
hero wants, isn't it? (instead of wanted)
really brave, Jacob. (put in comma)
And to jump on it. (add to)
How would it look if (delete like)
down his neck. (delete within few seconds)
Now, what would that feel like (change how to what)
drop out and fall... (change fell to fall)
shabbiest t-shirt (delete he found)
he was that fly (add that)