On a superficial look I state “watch your spacing.” It makes for a difficult read at least for me when I cannot differentiate between paragraphs and one sentence.
I think it should be…
Quote:
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Slowly, my heart beats(and not beating).
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Or say something like
…Slowly, my heart accelerates detonating like an imploding grenade…
This was a dream or hallucination? Either way the details could have been more dramatic and less abruptly written. Repeating again, correct or for future reference watch the spacing.