I think I’ve read your work before…
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Jenn brought her cigarra to her face and inhaled deeply. Its white burning body(or its ashen body) lit her face’s reflection on her windshield.?
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She wasn’t a cabi rather she was a cop.
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(The original sentence is very long.)
What does it mean?(Not a period) They illustrated a few examples in Law school, but what is it? (Maybe throwing in a shaking of the hand or head or both and then saying “Where does the laundry come in?”)
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What about…He didn’t respond, instead complaining, Could you not smoke? I’m trying to avoid cancer.”
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Did you intend
“Guilty?”
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Jenn glanced to her right within a split second she saw a car accelerating towards her.?
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(Or something similar)
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There was an explosive roar as their cars collided. Her vision flashed from white to black.?
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Her mind scrambled for rationalization. She was in a smoldering ruin? If so, then where’s the trauma? Where’s the morphine drip? Where are her injuries?
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(Or something similar) Also I wouldn’t take time to say “I’m injured but let’s try to rationalize it.
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Faintly her eyes opened…she was before a lush jungle.?
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(I would give more description about the jungle. Including something about the shining sun and its streaming rays lighting the grass etc., ect.,)
Were they really in a city setting and now they’re in the jungle?
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Scurrying around for better concealment, “Money, money, where’s my money?”
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(I think the dream sequence is too bland.)
Why would there be a polar bear in the jungle?
(Are taking this from the television series “LOST?”)
Why would she be pushing about the “money laundering” if they’re trapped in an unidentifiable location? That would be irrelevant at this point.
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In trying to control her anger, Jenn stepped back punching a tree trunk.
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(Then add about her bleeding knuckles. Again, take out the bland dialogue about his money skimming ways.)
How would she know their hike would be 8 hours?
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They treaded for hours; trampling rough bushes, dangling vines…Add more about what they are passing through to wherever.
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What was so insightful about her “hostility?” I mean they’re trekking through the jungle and now he wants to know everything about her or at least her “situation?”
Instead of saying “15 minutes before…” why not describe some of the scenery being passed in doing so…suddenly the birds take to flight…there was unnatural scream about them.?
Not to sure about the creature’s description. And “cop” or not would she really say, “Not on my watch.”? Just show her shaking her head no or something dramatic then slithering away from Leslie to assist the distressed victim.
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‘You need to change toothpastes”
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(You need a period).
There’s a spacing error here…
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Things aren’t getting too hot for you, now are they?
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(Or did you intend for these sentence to be one paragraph)?
Not to keen about the fighting scene, why not just illustrate a fight then have an agreement of nodding heads between Jenn and the monster then they attack each other again.
You’re in hell.(It should be in Hell.)
,you get to burn in hell(It should be Hell and why not something like…,your going to burn in Hell?)
Demons didn’t create hell.(It should be Hell.)
My thoughts/emotions are conflicted about this write but perhaps that’s a good thing. The story did have some good points it was just the dialogue and some action that bothered me.