First, the editor:
1.
"they" is unnecessary here.
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2.
Quote:
"Shut up!"
"Shut up!"
"Shut up!"
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Since you put it in quotes, it looks like "Shut up!" is the sound your alarm clock ... at least, that's how it appears to me on first reading it.
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3.
Quote:
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that little thing killed a whole world of mine. This time it killed me swimming in the ocean.
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hmm.. "killing" to me is not the best term you can use to describe this. Also another suggestion... If you're aiming at humour here, instead of using "thing", you can use something more flowery... "Every morning, that little nefarious contraption woke me up, jarring me out of my wonderful world of dreams. This morning, I had been swimming in an ocean, before I was suddenly awakend by its sinister beeps.", for example.
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4.
Quote:
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Since I moved to this new apartment I regularly dream of oceans.
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Since you started this story in a simple past tense, this sentence will end up disagreeing with that tense. The best way to write this will be - "Since I had moved into this new apartment, I have regularly dreamed of oceans -- oceans of milk, whales in the ocean, etc. My life is an ocean..." Also notice how I split up the sentences. The reason I split it up here is because when you start saying "My life is...", it's a new thought. It's no longer a description of your dreams, but a new philosophical, deep thought.
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Quote:
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A giant white shark, patrolling the sea and annihilating every obstacle he comes across.
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When talking about animals/fish, the general rule is not to apply any gender. Instead of "he", the correct pronoun to use would be "it".
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Quote:
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My dad works in a shipping company; used to tell me the money are good. Because money is the only...
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Firstly, money is always singular. It should be "the money is good". Secondly, I think the rule when using a semi-colon is to use it as you would use a period. So, the part that comes after it should be a sentence-structure, more or less. To correct it, you can add a "he" right after the semicolon. Also, in the next sentence, starting it with
Because doesn't seem to fit, somehow. You can use "Apparently" instead, which will imply that money is the most important thing at 50 according to your dad, not you.
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Quote:
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The same doesn't go when you're eighteen years old, sadly.
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apply seems to be a better word to use here rather than
go. Or you can even say "
hold true" instead of "go" or "apply".
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Quote:
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You know, the young kids who watch movies and say with all their innocence:
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This sentence seems to be a little incomplete. To make it a little more complete, you can add a "just like" after the comma... "You know, just like the little kids who..." And even then, it still appears to be a bit of a continuation of the previous sentence, so I recommend you join it to that, either by using a comma or a dash.
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Quote:
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... "I wanna be an actor!" Then you laugh, you bend over...
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I think you should put a period or SOMETHING before "Then you laugh..."
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Quote:
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When you have finished school and you're ready to send the applications though, they have a different approach.
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I think you should be a little more specific about the applications... what kind of applications? I know the answer is college applications (or is it?), but to make it quicker for your reader, you should probably be a little more specific.
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Sorry for stopping midway, I didn't realize the time. I'm going to have to continue this tomorrow... I have to go to college tomorrow.