Continuation of editing :
Quote:
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"Directing isn't gonna make you money. You'll struggle to find a job and when you do, it's not gonna be the Hollywood movies you watch on Saturday nights. It's gonna be shitty commercials."
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Now, this is speech, so you don't really have to change it, but I think the sentence should be "You'll struggle to find a job, and when you do, it's not gonna be
like the Hollywood movies you watch on Saturday nights."
Quote:
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Don't you have a little faith on your son?
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Grammatically, you're supposed to have faith
in someone.
I like that line.
Make a kid or two, lol! Nicely done.
Quote:
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We had a talk with my dad.
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Who is 'we'?
Quote:
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I moved out of my parent's house.
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If you're implying that the house belonged to both your parents instead of only one, you should put the apostrophe after the 's'...
I moved out of my parents' house.
You seem to have written the second half much better... see how much fewer mistakes I found?
* * *
Now the story. You've got my interest. Now you've set me up to see what this apparently 'failure' is about to make with his life. What I liked about this story is your extremely personal touch. You've taken elements of your own life and given them to your main character, which probably made it easier for you to type.
I also liked how you give emphasis to what your sentences look and sound like. Apart from me, on this site, I think you're the only person who does that. You like the SOUND and the EFFECT of phrasing sentences in a particular way, whereas quite a few others just look for grammatical perfection, big words, etc. I'm not sure if a few others will understand what this paragraph means, but I'm pretty sure you do.
Having said that however, I have to state that you really have to take care of your grammar at the same time.
