What about saying…
Quote:
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But I’ll respond to it. ?
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I think you meant…
Quote:
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because if you heard the real story. ?
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It’s not necessary to capitalize
“Innocent.”
What about saying…
Quote:
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I was friends with many at Hedge Rock Primary School. ?
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What class were you the top of?
…and art
too.(I believe it should be too.)
Never go 5 blocks(Never should be capitalized.)
What about..
Quote:
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In my father’s home there was one rule; never go 5 blocks… ?
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I'm not sure about the semicolon.
Who is
“J?”
You could show more dialogue.
So I decided to follow him.(So should be capitalized.)
…that
(I) was going to be…(Originally the I was smaller cased.)
The last sentence could end with
(…) or just a period.
The descriptions should be more detailed. You’re just stating facts.
I think you’re jumping around too much into one action into another. And it seems that your just telling us what happened but not allowing us to “be” the character in your story.