Let me start with: Good job, I liked the story.
Let me continue with: This is solid throughout, there are some ways to strengthen it
You really shined when the dialog entered the story, and everything picked up. On the other hand, the beginning was a little slow as you developed the story. I'm not sure, off hand, how to improve that. I say this only because some readers decide in the first a paragraph or two whether they will continue reading, and it'd be shame for them to miss out on the rest.
Some little things could be tightened up, here is an example:
Quote:
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My hands fumbled as they prepared the coffee maker. Soon, a warm aroma filled the room
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It doesn't have the strength of writing the rest of this piece had.
"My hands fumbled with the coffee maker until a warm aroma filled the room." Says the same thing and is a stronger read.
I realize sometimes you want to portray certain things with the extra words and that's what a good writer does, but there is a balance, that they must be used in moderation or it disrupts the story.
Quote:
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I swiveled on the ball of my foot to make my way to the living room, but stalled
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This sentence doesn't describe whats going on very well, at a time when the reader is anxious to know exactly how everything is playing out. Do you mean she actually
swiveled...or that she started to... or was going to, but stalled because of the sound she heard. If Liam is coming from the living room, make it apparent that he is behind her as she pours the coffee.
"I start to turn back into the living room, but...," or
"My intention to go back into the living room is forgotten has I hear the slightest shift in the beige ..." whatever. You get the point.
One other thing...I didn't know it was a female Vampire....until late in the story. I mean the first indication of any kind is the name. I mean there was the interaction between Liam and the main character...but I try not to assume anything, because hey writers can write however he/she wants. Putting in a few descriptives of the character at the beginning, like the shower scene, work in the water flowing over her lithe hourglass frame, or something like that would be help me anyways.
Like I said, I enjoyed this. The writing is good, and it kept me reading despite being in a Vampire/Werewolf setting which has been written time and time again.
Good job, keep it up.