At first you think my, that’s over the top – what could this guy have done to deserve this. You actually pull this off nice; you give a sense of her anticipation, and excitement for the romantic evening and how deep she feels for her hubby - whilst leaving the reader in suspense to the end. Then as all becomes clear...we are fully behind her actions...too right - his kick in the teeth a physical one - to the mental one she had received.
A couple of thoughts;
Quote:
SHOW ME YOUR TITS. She types back.
PLEASE! He responds.
She huffs on the cam, blurring his view; with her naked breast, she wipes away the sprayed dew.
I CANT PLAY. MY HUSBAND WAITS.
|
This made me lose the flow slightly...maybe a little more on what is going on.
Quote:
|
She drops him, walking away, crossing her arms.
|
This line seemed to be out of character, duno ..She had just beat the guy up.. a magnificent burst of anger and disappointment; and to end with the folded arms...just seemed a little weak in comparison.
Both very small points cos you did a good job of the plot. N1
