What about saying…You’ll see tomorrow when Santa brings nothing for you because you’re on his Naughty list for telling lies.?
Why was he searching his mum’s wardrobe?
James is 9 and using the word
“redundant?”
What about…
Quote:
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Being a cop, that’s what he was going to be…they live and die by concrete evidence.?
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(Or something similar)
For a nine year old you are showing great maturity.
What about saying…
Quote:
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James is synical* nine year old.?
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I think Mom, Dad and Sherry should be capitalized.
If he’s so smug already then why not say…this was a covert operation after all. (Excluding “but.”)?
What nine year old watches a James Bond flick?
What about…
Quote:
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A magical room; twinkling/shimmering tree with all its ornaments. The blinking lights of Christmas joy. A tall glass of milk an ivory beacon of truth. What will the morning bring??
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You want something more dramatic than
“sad.”
Your jumbling/jumping around with your “living room” scene. Though I suppose it would be because he’s seeing this from a child’s point of view.
I would say in separate sentences…
Quote:
The angel was ashamed. Rudolph sobbed with disappointment. He shrugged of his disillusions. He was just exhausted.? (Or something similar.)
What about…There was jubilation; a once mache was now cartwheeling through the pines. The golden flames hissed low so very low brushed lightly by a down pouring of ash and rooftop dirt/snow. A serenation of the bells commenced; starting at the top working its way down to the trunk. As the bells played his right foot pushed through finding a firm grip on the carpet.?
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Within moments a the biggest human being James…You really need to rework this sentence.
Say something about Christmas song deafening his ears. Then his heart and mind clouded by images of passing seasonal symbols. Santa approaches. James would dash to get Jane, but he was immobile. His limbs frozen. Father Christmas caressed James’s shoulder(and describe his clothing of course.).
James wanted to shout, still nothing. Father Christmas nearly finished his milk while scanning the room…and to his great surprise there stood/stands James. Then mention something about his blinding smile.?
You don’t need to say…
the Santa man…
An interesting story, a bit more depressing than jolly. Just add more extended details and expressive dialogue between James and Santa, between James and James. I would also say something more about Gran.
“Are you ready for Christmas?”
With a grin on his face, “Yes.” He nods. “Yes, Gran I am so very ready.”
*I rate this 3/5!