I pretty much agree with everyone else. I can understand that this is a type of free form(with a form of it's own) with no rhyming scheme. But, there still needs to be some kind of flow to make it enjoyable to read. Below are the stanzas I felt might need a little more work.
Quote:
Why do you look at me
Like I am some kind of freak?
Why do you look at me
With judgmental eyes?
Who should I be
To make you happy now?
Who should I be
Now in your cold eyes?
When will I know
The peace I yearn for?
When will I know
I have found love?
|
If you notice in these stanzas, line number four is shorter than line number two. When I read them it makes me kind of stumble. They don't have to be the same syllable caount just somewher similar would make it flow a lot better.
Take the first stanza.
Why do you look at me
Like I am some kind of freak?
Why do you look at me
With judgmental eyes?
I saw in another reply something about 'those judgemental eyes' to me adding that one word would make that stanza more complete.
Why do you look at me
Like I am some kind of freak?
Why do you look at me
With those judgmental eyes?
Now let me point this out:
Quote:
Why do you look at me?
What is it you feel?
How long will it take?
Who should I be?
Where should I go?
When will I know?
|
I love how you took the main question from each stanza to make this one. Excellent!!
Quote:
All I want…
Is to be loved,
For who I am
|
And then you followed it up by answering those questions with one simple phrase. Well done!
I to think that this could be a really good peice with just a little fine tuning. Keep it up!!
[/color]