This was fairly good, but it still needs a lot of work. You don't need to capitalize every new line. Go with the flow. Wherever you feel that there's a pause in your thoughts, put a period or any other appropriate form of punctuation there.
Quote:
It’s been twenty years
Since their little faces
scampered past
my eyes.
I know where they are.
I get photos every year.
If you’ll look,
Johnny never
seems to get older.
His brilliant smile
Makes me cry
But, only with joy
But, only with joy.
Sandra’s much the same
In that her hair
hasn’t change
for as far as I
remember.
It shimmers
and shimmers
In every frame.
Like it can
catch the air and
float away.
If you want to accentuate on ‘float away’, I think you should put it in a different line.
Oh, now look at me
I’ve taken your time
Talking on for hours
Yet I can’t recall
Your name.
Not that it
matters. I won’t
remember to not
forget the second
That you tell me.
I often wonder
Why Suzi never
comes. A block
or two of walking,
Can’t do a bit of harm.
She spoke so softly,
I had to kneel
to hear that pretty
voice of hers.
There were days,
Her voice alone
Carried me through
With an ease
That I had never knew
'til it swept me away.
I hope I’m not
boring you.
It seems that I’m some
thing of a leaky
Faucet.
This stanza seems to be a bit off. "Some thing of a leaky faucet" bugs me. Maybe you could use some personification here?
Where even off,
I’m on and pouring
Out my very soul
to you. I’ve said
All this without knowing
your name. Your
name, I need.
Don’t bother with
What I said befo-
I don't think you need to capitalize the 'y' of 'your'. It's a continuation of the previous thought, and you're already emphasizing it enough by repeating it.
Jonathan?
|
I made a few changes where capitalization and line breaks are concerned, and at least for me, it flows better now. Of course, I'm no expert; this is just my opinion.
