I’m going to be picky…
The synopsis should read…A tale of (an) angry office worker facing his demons. One of (a few) short (stories) I have or (I’ve) written(.) Each story illustrates a variety of emotion, this one in particular is about hate.
I think the first sentence could have been more dramatic with more words and punctuation. What’s so ‘inhumane’ about the cubicle? Why does the chair ‘flame?’ How does it injure your back? What does it look like? Possibly write the ticks/flips of the clock hands. Also show the ‘lack of human contact,’ walking by secretaries, rushing mail boys or face stuffing executives. What does the sun look like from your point of view or lack of? And what are you doing at work that even a ‘cave man could do it?’
Possibly: I regret being here before I even arrive…
Is
‘instil’ an English spelling or should it be ‘instills?’
…
is the sound, is that sound.(This sentence is very awkward.)
What about…
Quote:
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the thing that I hate above all else is that sound! The grating! The grating breathing noises that comes from the beast of on the other side of my partition. It infuriates me to no end that I no longer know myself. ?
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The last sentence of the first paragraph should say something about
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never seeing him at all…nor have I ever seen him. ?
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What about…
Quote:
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What I don’t understand is that unless he’s deaf…how can he live with that sound twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week…and not yet taken his own life?
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(Or something similar.)
Quote:
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I don’t think you need the two ‘that,’ here…He dreams that on the chance of someone speaking to him at the waterfountain
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(Or something similar.)
I think it would just be…
Quote:
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and tired he brushes the remnants of last night’s…
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I wouldn’t add anything about ‘again and again.”
Just let the blowing, blowing, blowing fade on its own.
What about…
Every attempt to block even the faintest clamor/racket/clatter(try something other than noise).
I think the tenses are incorrect, but what do I know of such things…
Quote:
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Now I’m on the edge of my chair, teeth gritting, fists clenching waves upon waves of rage fuel…
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(I could be completely off, but I wanted to mention it.)
A typo?...
Quote:
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It lands on the floor with a almighty crash...?
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Or did you imply something like a heavenly crash of sorts?
What kind of faces do you see?
I would have like to seen more action about the clearing of the desk…
What about saying…
Quote:
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I’m gagging as the grisly horror unveils itself before me with such pride. ?
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That sentence should be spaced down also unless it’s apart of the previous paragraph following it.
What about…
Quote:
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There is nothing! No computer screen beaming lights, telephone ringing, computer keys clanking, clicking…
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Just give more imagery to the ‘intense’ situation.
Interesting story. I am not too keen on the ending, but I’ll come back to it, maybe my thoughts will be changed then.