Shouldn’t
‘the’ be in front of …
And shouldn’t it be
‘the’ here…
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and soaking the bottom of my pant legs.?
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Instead of ‘this.’?
What about saying…
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It felt like needles piercing my skin with every crystal clear droplet.?
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And what about saying…
Quote:
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yet I remained standing underneath the water.?
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Your sixth paragraph is it all one? The spacing seems off. Also the last sentence is missing a period.
I am not too sure about just saying
‘practically,’ ‘slightly,’? Can you show more actions of hesitation or distress as opposed to writing the words?
What is ‘
ochre?’
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We both know…I was trying to collect…
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these sentences should be separated. There’s a lot of
‘BUTs’ in this paragraph.
This story is being told in the present tense, yes?
What about saying…
my eyes fluttered to clearing my vision.? Or something similar.
It should be…
Quote:
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Last night’s occurrences…
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This is awkward…
Quote:
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I knew if Jasper discovered Liam had come,…
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What about…
Quote:
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I knew if Jasper had discovered Liam’s presence/arrival, he would have been more infuriated than he was already.
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(I switched ‘was’ and ‘already.’)
Liam would have been so considerate to ‘place the phone to the side?’ What about saying…
Quote:
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Liam tossed the phone…a miss, crash/thump/clank as it slammed to the floor.?
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You don’t have to use his name so often. We know there is just the two of them in the room.
You could just say…
Quote:
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which was coated/frosted/glazed by fluffy snow.
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( I think.)
How can you toss a cell phone
‘lightly?’
You are rushing through the actions of this story. It could almost be separated into different chapters other than how you have presented it.
As you describe the
‘decrease’ of acceleration, why not show the foot pulling off or staggering/stomping against the break pedal?
Sorry, you’ve lost my interest. You have compacted to much into one ‘Chapter.’