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Old 24-03-2008, 04:35 AM
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Re: The Fall of Nemora: Chapter 1; Part 1

Quote:
All of them just barely were missed by the blast.
maybe take this sentence out. Sort of messes with the flow of things.


Quote:
The Plagus were getting close now. Both Gena and Nadim watched as they ran around, setting fire to houses, people, and carts.
If the Plagus were just getting closer, how would the children see them?
Maybe change it to something like
Quote:
Both Gena and Nadim could hear the screaming of the villagers, the crackle and groan of homes burning. The Plagus were close, and getting closer.
Other than that, I think it's a great story Keep up the good work!
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