[aaronmw]

Sliding down the hill, Adam frantically clawed at the ground in an attempt to slow his momentum. His attempts failed as he hit a rock and somersaulted backwards, gaining more speed. Through his tumbling vision, he could see the cliff's edge rapidly approaching as he uncontrollably rolled down the steep incline. He could see the orange sand and the dry bushes rush past him in a blur. As the last seconds of his life neared, he reached out for one of the bushes, feeling it slip through his fingers. Grunting in pain, he tumbled backwards one more time and stretched his arm out again with an open palm and grabbed onto a strong root jutting out of the ground as the rest of his body continued off of the cliff, leaving him hanging by one arm.

He peered down as a bead of sweat dripped off of his forehead and then plunged the nearly one mile descent along a flat sheet of rock to the forest floor. His heartbeat thundered in his chest, and his heavy breathing increased. He closed his eyes to focus on his grip. The tension in his arm was unbearable as the pain seethed up through his shoulder. He reached up with his other arm and grabbed firmly onto the root. He felt like he might be able to pull himself up, but hesitated.

With his eyes closed, his mind cleared, and older memories entered. In shady images, his life replayed in his mind.

He let go.

I can remember when we first moved to Bellingham. I was about three years old at the time but I have a few images burned into my memory. One of these was driving up an enormous, lush mountain with tall, untouched evergreens reaching up towards the sky. It was a sunny day and I remember sitting in the back of our van gazing out the window in astonishment; I had never seen anything so massive in my short life. I couldn't see to the top of the mountain, but I can remember seeing a tall sheet of gray rock standing perfectly vertical so high that my view was obstructed by the parts of the window.

Some time after arriving at our new house I can remember playing with my dad in our lawn. We had a decently sized backyard that was about two acres that overlooked across the county's landscape. Our house was perched closer to the top of the mountain compared to the rest of the town, and if one were to stand in the right spot, they could see for endless miles until a grayish haze took over. At this point my dad was watching me play around in an inflatable pool. The sun was shining directly upon us; it was probably midday. I remember looking at my dad. He was reading a book while sitting down in a lawn chair with his legs stretching out so that his bare feet were in the pool. I can see him smiling at me every now and then and splashing water at me with his feet.

The next couple of years would be the age of innocence for me. I didn't know about real violence, I didn't know about lust, I didn't know about hate. Sometimes I wish I could go back then. I would have done so much differently, I would have lived so much differently. At times I could go back there in my dreams, but it was somehow different, contaminated with what I know now and with how I live. Alas, we move on.
--
Beginning school was a shock to my world. Kindergarten was a harsh experience: partly because the junior high was mixed in with our elementary school, we were subject to learning the art of swearing and were taught about sex when we were too young to really comprehend what it was about. I can remember the first day I rode the bus to school; I cried the whole way. It was loud and chaotic and I sat in the front seat. I can see my teacher comforting me as I arrived to school, and my first friend that I met in our orientation meeting sat next to me and started building with legos. His name was Mat. I cheered up quickly after that.

The next few years through elementary school were hazy memories. I became known as one of the class clowns, but I was also a good student. My teacher's would always say how I was maturing quickly, and knew when to be serious and when it was all right to joke around. I had lots of friends, but my best friend, who also happened to live close to me, was Mat. We would often go exploring in the back woods together, but we would always be too scared to go very far. We were told by some of the older kids that there was a trail that would take you to the very top of the mountain that Bellingham was situated on, although we had never found it. Apparently that's where all of the older kids would go to party and drink beer and whatnot. At that point in our lives, we were still scared of the unseen, a cracking branch would rattle our nerves, the darkness of the forest would act as a barrier of where we would go and where we wouldn't.
--
Around second grade I remember my mom telling me about how my dad was sick. I didn't really understand it at the time, I just thought it was like having the flu or a cold or something like that. He was gone a lot during that time, I guess he was going to the doctor. One memory plays out vividly in my mind.

I was sitting on my dad's lap, he was in the hospital in a gown and he was reading an illustrated book to me. It was about how a baby was born from two loving parents. They raise it and it is a learning experience for both of them. They went through hard times and persevered through it all. Eventually the boy they raise grows up and marries the woman of his dreams and they have their own child, continuing the family chain. Towards the end of the book, it told of how the son's parent's died and how he mourned for them. I guess the moral of the story was that life moved on, because the son did move on and raised a wonderful daughter. The book ends as the son dies of old age as his wife stands by. I remember that he died a happy man, having accomplished as much as he could in his life.

As my dad finished the book I saw tears well up in his eyes. I can remember his reddish face, his hairless face. He was in a hospital gown lying on a bed. He put the book to his side and told me, "Life goes on, Adam. Live your life to the fullest and regret nothing." I couldn't understand what was going on. Something wasn't right, my dad wasn't well. I began crying and buried my face in my dad's gown as he wrapped his arms around me.

That was the last time I saw my dad. I remember my grandparents came and lived with my mother for a while. She cried a lot during those times. That period of my life was so jaded and gray, I just can't remember it that well. I mourned for my father, but as he told me, life goes on. And it did.
--
On to junior high and high school. I made lots of new friends but also lost quite a few to different cliques. Looking back, it was all ludicrously silly how everyone tried to fit in, and why people wouldn't talk to others, but I guess that's part of just learning about yourself.

Mat and I stayed good friends, and I also met somebody who was particularly special to me. Her name was Katie and she was in the same grade as me. I had a crush on her up until my Junior year of high school, but I was always too much of a coward to try and make a move on her. I had had other girlfriends up until then, and she had had other boyfriends as well and things never really worked out the way I had wanted them to. Well, up until one night.

I remember the first night I kissed her. It was after we watched a movie, I can't remember what it was, and we were on our way back home. It was a windy country road and all of a sudden a deer jumped in front of my car. I slammed on my brakes, locking them up and instinctively put my arm across Katie to shield her from the collision. She screamed as the front bumper hit the deer, knocking it forward and to the ground. I was breathing heavily and my heart felt like it was pounding up through my throat. I couldn't speak for a moment but composed myself seconds later.

"Are you okay?" I asked Katie. She nodded, apparently too shaken up to speak either. The deer in front of us shakily got to it's feet and pranced back off into the woods. I pulled the car off to the side of the road and I got out and opened Katie's door and took her hand and led her to the side of the road, where I found a rock to sit on. I put my arm around her shoulder and started rubbing it to warm her up.

"Katie, are you alright?" I paused. "I'm sorry, I should have been paying better attention."

"It's okay Adam." She responded. Her voice was so warm, yet so soft and so comforting. "I'm glad you're okay too Adam." She was looking right at my eyes. I saw her long black hair caressing her small shoulders and sliding along her back. Her face was perfect. She had brilliant green eyes on the sides of her slender nose, leading to her luscious lips. She was everything I needed then, and now. My fears vanished, my nerves were gone, and I leaned in and kissed her.
--
At the beginning of high school I had started going to Catholic Church and continued to go all the way up to my senior year. It was a good way for me to cope with all of the mixed feelings I had at the time; that of not having a father, that of having a depressed mother, and that of falling in love for the first time. God offered a way for me to cope with all of my hardships and explain why certain things happened.

I remember when I confided in the priest for some advice. Katie and I had gotten in a fight one evening, I can't remember what it was, but she wouldn't talk to me. I explained him the problem and he sat there thinking for a moment. I thought to myself, "Why would I ask a Catholic priest for girl advice anyway?" I remember smirking a little until he gave his response.

"Sometimes the best thing one can do is offer your forgiveness, or apologize for your sins. Sometimes that is the only thing one can do." Such a simple response, but it had a lasting impact on me. I apologized to Katie even though I still remember thinking I hadn't done anything wrong. And she forgave me.
--
The night of our graduation was amazing; it was probably one of the best nights of my life. By then we had hiked up to the summit of the mountain many times and had some pretty cool parties but this one definitely topped the rest. After our graduation ceremony, practically all of my graduating class hiked to the top. We packed tents, beer, fireworks, and some of the more cautious brought some first aid supplies. I remember hiking beside Mat. By then we had already drank a few beers on the hike up, which made things a little shaky, but it enabled us to have a heart to heart talk for the first time. I wasn't one to open up easily, but like most people know, alcohol can bring out a lot in a person.

"Adam, you know you're my best friend and always have been, man." I turned and looked at him laughing a little but saw he was relatively serious.

"After high school, I hope we can still hang out a lot. And when you marry Katie I hope that you will still pay attention to me."

"Hah hah! Marriage? Man, that is still a ways away..."

Mat interrupted, "I know man, I know hah hah!"

"Yeah but I will always find time to hang out with you man. You know that." I replied to him. We both paused for a moment. I felt like I should give him a hug or something, but instead I patted him on the shoulder and said, "What are we talking about anyways, let's just have a good time tonight." He agreed as we made our way up the trail.

The rest of the night was awesome. I can remember the most amazing sunset I have ever witnessed. The sky was completely clear except for some dispersed clouds on the horizon, which lit up, in a brilliant array of orange and red. As the sun began falling behind the clouds, I sat next to Katie, about five paces from the edge of a steep incline. We sat on a gray rock, surrounded by desert-like shrubs growing in rough orange colored dirt. We could hear the drunken cries off in the distance and hear the crackle of the fires as the party raged through the trees behind us. As the sun set, we began talking about our future together after high school. The topic of marriage was even brought up, but for some reason it didn't make me uncomfortable. We made love right there that night, and I knew for certain that she was the girl I would spend the rest of my life with.
--
As the summer wore on, my mother's alcohol problem increased. For some reason I was not really aware of it at the time, maybe I was just in denial. In any case, I was too wrapped up in my own life to notice. I can remember her coming home later than me and sometimes she wouldn't come home at all.

One time I was sitting on my couch watching television late at night, waiting for my mom to arrive. I remember that I was worried the whole night because I was not able to reach her cell phone.

Then, I heard her car pull up and her heavy footsteps on the front porch. Had she driven home drunk?

I could hear her fiddle with the key in the lock for a moment until she realized it was unlocked and she opened the door. The house was dark, but I could see her silhouetted figure against the night sky as she opened it. As she closed the door, I could feel a cold draft of air rush through the house, sending a quick shiver down my spine.

At that, I got out of my seat and walked over to her as she made her way to her room. I can remember that I walked right up to her and grabbed her arm. She stopped

"Mom," I whispered, "Mom, please don't do that." She turned at me and I could see a pained look in her face through the darkness, I could sense her agony in her eyes.

"Mom I love you, I don't want to lose you!" I said with determination, still whispering. I saw a tear run down her cheek. She leaned in towards me and gave me a hug, and I almost fell backwards as her whole weight shifted on to me.

"Adam, Adam." She was crying now.

"Adam, I love you too! You're all I have left, now."

"That's not true..."

"Yes it is!" She interrupted. "I'm sorry Adam, I'm sorry."

That was very emotional for me; I really hoped it was a turning point for her, and for our family.
--

Some things seem like a nightmare as they happen. You wonder to yourself, am I asleep, am I dreaming? This can't be happening. You wonder about it until you come to the terrible conclusion that this is reality; this is your life.
Alas, we move on.
--
It was one of those rare rainy evenings. It wasn't quite dark yet; you could sense the sun was hanging low behind the dark, almost black clouds. The rain pounded against the windshield as Mat's wipers struggled to mop them away. I was sitting silently in the passenger's seat and Katie was sitting behind me. We were heading back to my house to get some food and just hang out for a while to wind down from our day.

I could see the water running down the road because we were driving up the mountain. Trees lined both sides and a guardrail protected the cars on the left side coming down the mountain. At that time I wasn't really focused on the road conditions. I was kind of tired because earlier that day we had gone jetskiing on the lake because the weather was much nicer earlier. It seemed like the clouds just came out of nowhere, ending the day for us.

"Do you have any pizza left, Adam?" Mat asked me. He looked at me for a moment. I lifted my head up from the headrest and turned towards him.
"Mat."
"What?"
"MAT!" There was a tree down in the middle of our lane. Mat swerved the car to the left to try and avoid it. Everything appeared in slow motion. I remember turning back and looking at Katie. Her mouth was open wide, probably screaming, grabbing onto my shoulder. I could see our lights reflecting off of the oncoming motorists car. I could see the driver's horrified look in her eyes. Her eyes. So familiar. We hit her head on.

I remember a pain in the back of my head. It was very subtle and it almost felt like it was not part of my body. Was I paralyzed? Was I dead?

I regained consciousness shortly after we crashed. I was lying on my stomach, face down on the pavement. I couldn't move anything except my head. Rain pounded on my cheek as I turned my head sideways, looking for the cars. My vision was slightly blurred but I could make out the tree right next to me. I turned it more to see some of my own blood running like a stream down the road, reflecting off of the glass that I had shattered on impact. I saw Mat's car and I saw the hole I made in the windshield as the collision launched me from my seat. I saw my mom's car. The whole front end was smashed in completely. I couldn't see her. As my vision became clearer I saw Mat struggling to get out of his car as smoke poured out from under the hood. The door must have been jammed because he began crawling out of the hole in the windshield.

Then I saw Katie. Her head was down in the back seat, lying there motionless. I wanted to scream, but for some reason I couldn't. Words cannot describe the feeling of helplessness overwhelming me at that point.

I saw Mat crawl out of the car through the hole I had made in the windshield. I wanted to yell at him, "Get Katie! Get her!" But I couldn't. I wanted to reach out to her, to be able to walk and pull her from the mess. I wanted to save her.

Mat frantically ran around, he didn't know where I was, but he saw Katie in the car. At this time smoke billowed so heavily out of the engine bay I couldn't even see into the car anymore. I couldn't see Katie.

Katie; the love of my life. She was trapped in the car as it went up in flames.
--
The scene played itself out over and over again as I slept the next few nights in the hospital, on my way to a miraculous recovery. The nightmares transformed themselves every time. I could see Katie walking towards me sometimes but then just close her eyes. I would try to reach out to her, to speak to her but I couldn't. That was always consistent in the dreams. She then would be surrounded by fire and normally I would wake up, drenched in sweat, and panting so hard it felt like I had just run from the devil himself.

I could also see my mom's piercing stare, but that's all I would ever see of her in my dreams. Sometimes I could see her face right in front of mine, eyes open; terrified. I could see her mouth, gaping wide in a silent scream.

Why didn't Mat save Katie? I could see him, too, in my dreams. He'd be standing there, looking at me with a blank stare as Katie would scream and burn behind him. Mat had betrayed me.
During my stay in the hospital my hatred grew so strong for him that I never wanted to see him again. If I did, I didn't know what I would do to him.
--
I can remember my grandparents dealing with my mom's will for me and her funeral. Such a hazy time in my life. I washed it all away with alcohol.

My parents were both dead. Katie, my love, was dead. And my best friend, the cause of my current anguish; I wished he would burn in hell for what he did.

I saw him at my mom's funeral as I helped to carry her casket away. Our eyes met as I scanned the church room, walking down the center isle. The feeling I felt was of pure hatred, of rage. I wanted to leap at him and to strangle him right there. I knew he felt it in my glare.

I wasted a year in solitude, living a life of loneliness. My grandparents would stay with me every now and then as my health seemed to deteriorate. I would drink a lot and wake up vomiting all over my bed and then fall asleep right there again. Even when I wouldn't drink, I always had a sick feeling in my stomach, like something was eating away at my insides.

I remember the last time I attended church. I went to the priest's confessional room afterwards. Speaking slowly I asked him, "Why has God let both my parents die? How can a God let you lose the love of your life so fast!" Towards the end of my sentence I began yelling at the priest and started sobbing.

"God works in mysterious ways, Adam. Even I can't tell you why he does the things he does." I was breathing heavy and continued to sob.

"Sometimes he will test us, Adam. He is testing your faith right now." I couldn't comprehend that. If God existed how could he torture the people that he supposedly loves so much. Why would he do this to me?! Why did I survive that crash?! I should have died that night! Died with my mom and with Katie.

At that, I got up and left, and never returned to church again.
--
My stomach pains increased and it became common for me to vomit, even if I hadn't drank. My grandparents took me to the doctor a few times, each time eliminating a certain illness I might have. Eventually, they concluded I had an advanced form of cancer; my dad's old killer.

After being told they could not operate on it and that I would eventually die from it, I didn't care. It almost came as a relief. It would end my pain and suffering once and for all and I could find out if there actually is a God.

That question hung in my mind as I left the doctor's office that afternoon. He took my father, he took my mother, he took Katie, and now it's my turn? Why was he doing this, and how is this a test?! Is this your plan?! You let me survive that crash just so you could kill me with my Dad's old disease? You just built me up and then knocked me so far down again. This disease you've given me is like twisting the dagger in the wound. Just finish me off.

To more recent times, we move on.

I'm sitting down now, at my house as my grandparents watch TV. I'm in the opposite room watching the sun descending beneath the clouds, remembering better times while feeling sorry for my self.

This disease. This will do me in. It's what he wants I guess, it's his plan for me.

No. I can't accept it. How can this be a plan for anyone? There is no God; I can die how I want to die. I thought a moment and stood up and walked to my garage and took my bike.

I walked it through the woods for a few miles until I came to the secret trail leading up to the top of the mountain.

I would end this my way, on my own terms. Nobody can choose my fate. Nobody.

I pedaled furiously up along the rugged trail. My stomach ached horribly the entire trip up. I stopped several times to throw up until my stomach eventually emptied. Lightheadedness overcame me. I felt dizzy and as if I would collapse at any moment.

No, then he gets me. I have to do this on my terms.

I pushed on even more determined. As I reached the summit I walked around for a moment. I could remember the laughs of the people drinking and just having a good time. I could remember Mat walking up with me. We were laughing and enjoying ourselves. It felt like so long ago. Then I walked to the edge of the cliff where I sat with Katie as we watched the sun set that night. It was almost the same image I had stored in my memory, except the sun had just slid beneath the clouds, casting a red glow upon the land. The dirt glistened a deep orange, cultivating the weeds and shrubs growing from it. There was something different about the scene; there was somebody there.

My vision blurred as I stumbled towards the figure. I recognized him.
"Mat?" I said softly. He turned around and looked at me.
"Adam?! Wha..." He stumbled on his words. "Adam what are you doing up here?" I looked out over the horizon, and then down at the trees lying about a mile below us.

I didn't answer him, I couldn't. What would I say? Part of me wanted to push him off the ledge and part of me wanted to just start crying.

"Adam, I've been thinking about that night every single day. Adam, I love you like a brother. I never wanted any of that to happen. I wish I could have saved Katie, I really wished I could! She was like my sister, Adam!" His words started to slur a little as I could see tears well up in his eyes.

"I just want you to know that." He paused for a moment.

"I look out at this view and all I remember is the good times we've had together. I know they will never be that way again, but I just want to remember them, Adam! That's why I'm here."

I stood there silent. Was he sorry about Katie? He just let her suffocate in that car and burn! Why didn't he help her that night?

Mat interrupted my thoughts. "I was just hoping you would forgive me Adam. I want to be able to talk to you again."

Forgive him? I can't, not after what he did to me, to Katie, and to my mother. My vision blurred a little.

"Adam? Will you? Adam are you alright?!"

I couldn't see at all, everything blurred together as I collapsed on the ground and started to roll down the incline towards the cliff...

And then I opened my eyes. My life; what a tragedy. Right now I could let go and end it all; end the misery, end the heartache, and end it my way. I closed my eyes one last time, preparing to let go. Then something I hadn't remembered in a long time flashed in my mind. Katie was mad at me for not taking her side on a political debate we had in class that day. It was so silly, but she didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, so feeling depressed I remembered that I went to see the preacher.

Then what he said played through my mind.

"Sometimes the best thing one can do is offer your forgiveness, or apologize for your sins. Sometimes that is the only thing one can do."

I let go.

I let go of all of my hate, of all of my regret, and of all my anger. I forgave Mat, he didn't mean to do it, and I asked for forgiveness from God in my mind. It was a strange feeling hanging there. I suddenly felt a huge burden being lifted off of my shoulders. I felt alive again; I could feel God's strength in me. Then I knew that I couldn't just let go. God will take me when he wants, because I know he has a plan for us all.

I looked up at the root that I was hanging on to. I began to pull myself up with all my strength, and as I did so, the root snapped, and I fell.

But I wasn't scared; I knew what was waiting for me. I knew who was waiting for me. Alas, I move on...