I think
‘Creditor’ should be capitalized in the first paragraph. ?
What about changing
‘the’ with
‘his’ in this sentence…only to make it more personal for Andraous?
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Sharisze frowned at the underlying pain in ‘his’ harsh tone, ?
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I think you mean
‘either,’…
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to give warning ‘either’ to accept his place as a mind sex partner,
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(originally it was ‘ether’) Or do you describe ‘ether,’ the air, atmosphere, heavens?
Is this correct?
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Had he not been a warlord and had her ambition(s) not (been) one in high senet perhaps things might have been different. (*What is senet?)
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Are you ending a thought/speech?
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Unless you allow me to be so(,)
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(*There is no period or are you continuing the sentence?)
Possibly consider adding a comma after
‘What’…
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What, you are is a distraction (that) I do not need.
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Also, it should be
‘Creditors’ economy rests in my hands, (*Originally you just had Creditors) ?
I think possibly a comma…
Quote:
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Sharisze blinked, asking skeptically, You concluded such…
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I think in the manner in which you present/illustrate
‘Ancient,’ you should capitalize it, possibly
‘Warlord’ too.
You need a space after
‘travelled’…
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and I have often travelled, (to) other planets…
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It should be
‘he’…
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is driven from the first hand knowledge gained, he replied matter of fact.
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This seems awkward…
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he could aid her no end in resolving the dire circumstances befalling off world trade. Possibly…he could aid her (to) no end in resolving the dire…?
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I think you don’t need
‘also’…
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The only difference being that the men on the planet were born with the gift. ?
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The whole statement about Creditor’s history seems awkward you might want to review/rewrite it. Also is it not
‘Crimins’ and not
‘Crim’s what you had originally.
You forgot the
(i) in Sharize in Sharsze…
Possibly…
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Tell me about (the) Crim(ins) or Crims?
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You might want to add
‘before them’…
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You dangle a piece of bait ‘before them,’ they will be unable to resist. ?
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A comma after
9,000 (*Originally 9000).
You need to capitalize
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‘United Planets,’…with the United Planets…because no United Planet would…join the United Planets…
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I would write out…
We understand what you are writing, but write it out anyway.
These two ideas seems awkward…
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thus she had a good idea of (what) inducements (were) offered previously. ?
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(I added some words, does it change anything?)
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All unfortunately (failed/succeeded) to no avail. ?
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*Except talks based on deception were doomed to failure.
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(Seems awkward at least to me, could you explain?)
Again, I question the execution of
‘Crim’s…
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when (Crimins’ realized they had no intention of delivering. ?
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I think you mean
‘tapped,’…
Quote:
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Her fingers ‘tapped her desk…
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Possibly…
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before the images of Kallie(‘s) questioning expression appeared (on the ) full screen. ?
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I think possibly…
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and asking for (Crimins’) aid in this matter. ?
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*If I have not rated this story so far...many apologies, but I think I will wait until the end is stated and understood. Though I will say for now...I give it 4/5!