Possibly should the
‘West Wing’ be capitalized?
Should it not be…
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he had learned from spying on the Crimins’ Lords. ?
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Missed a period after…
Possibly…which was the
Farthal family’s crest, the (‘) should be there somewhere.
I am not certain but should not the
Eagle and Sphinx be capitalized?
Other words for ‘buggy,’ are carriage, stagecoach, coach or cart.
I think
‘High Senate’ should be capitalized. Not just in this chapter, but in the previous also. Just reflecting on a possible thought.
Instead of saying…and with a smile, what about…
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and with a grin or proud grin/smirk
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…to show how much she ‘truly appreciated’ the
High Senate and its ‘perks.’
‘Hall’ or ‘Celesy Hall’ should be capitalized…
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a place other than Celesy Hall
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You are switching from
‘realise’ to
‘realization,’ you must decide which form to use.
Now you must capitalize
‘Dark Lords’…
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where the Dark Lords were kept in their cryogenic state.
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I would just say…[quote]Surely if the
High Senate knew or suspected her interaction with Andraous,[quote]
Capitalize
‘Lady Farthal’…
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Still, the Lady Farthal had chosen this high security temple, where none but the High Senate could…
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I think you should just state
‘High Senate’ rather than ‘Higher Senate,’ it just seems off. And capitalize
Dark Lord.
There seems to be a need for a comma here…
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The fact Lady Farthal had still requested this meeting, indicated this new challenge they had… ?
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Should it be
‘passed’…
Quote:
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Sharisze ascended the steps and ‘passed’ the guards without sparing them a glance, and entered the temple through the arched doors. ?
|
Possibly
‘casted’…
Quote:
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which bathed one’s soul in pure bliss and ‘casted’ aside all negativity. ?
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Capitalize
‘Ancients’…
Quote:
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Sharisze had to give the ‘Ancients’ who had…
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Rather saying ‘temple’ so often, why not shrine, sanctuary, asylum or haven?
Possibly
intricate/elaborate…
Quote:
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or from drawing the eye from the intricate/elaborate large archways… ?
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Doesn’t
7+7=14?
Quote:
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There were seven arches…and seven beyond that one, making 13(14) rooms in all ?
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What about saying…
Quote:
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As she approached deeper into the Main Room, or As she slipped further into the Main Room, ?
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(*Is this the name of the ‘room’ just Main?)
A missed period after…
Capitalize…
Quote:
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I do not doubt you will be considered (Creditor’s) most (Senior Seer)…High Senate affairs! ?
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Capitalize…
Quote:
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Creditor will be cast(ed) into a time of oppression and darkness ?
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I think…
Quote:
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to sway a High Senate’s decision, ?
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I think…
Quote:
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the rank of Master Seer… ?
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Are you missing a word or two here…
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Come(,) take my hand and if (your) will show you my vision…?
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(*There just seems to be something missing.)
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…you would rather see (Creditor) destroyed than bend (your) precious rules! ?
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Is it
‘fulfil’ or
‘fulfill?’…
Quote:
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of becoming a Creditor legend.
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Yet the Lady wasn’t as unmoved as she would portray,
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What about saying
‘unaffected’ rather than
‘unmoved’ twice in the same paragraph? Sentence?
Quote:
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I would be a Master Seer now and could have stopped this. ?
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Why not try and state the ‘mind link’ as whispers inside Sharisze’s mind? Where you are describing the first few words of their ‘link’ state how the words were first gruff but then cleared by a deeper concentration of thought into homing her friend’s precise warnings/thoughts. ?
Very, very wicked these High Senators.
