Sorry, I just lost interest in this…
Quote:
|
Eric watched as a jet of stream burst out from the back of the rocket pod mounted on the Kythorin mech’s hull,
|
(The details seem lacking, but this is just me.)
What about…
Quote:
|
Spews of black smoke gushed forth from the dying Kythorin mech’s hull
|
(What was it originally penetrated by?)
The actions are being told but in a dull matter. Show me more about this dead co-pilot how his dripping, splattering blood smears against the consoles. Show Eric sweating, swearing about his dire situation.
Quote:
|
He tapped the screen several times to activate the…
|
What about…
Quote:
|
He pounded at (or against the dying console) his eyes frantically holding to
|
(What was on the visual screen?) ?
I just want to see more, many apologies.
What is this
‘enemy mech?’ are we going to see more of them in future chapters?
Quote:
|
Eric, he and his mech still under fire, began to walk backwards, away from the swarm of bullets.
|
How does the dead walk? Is Eric carrying, dragging his co-pilot?
What is this
Did you intend
‘mechs?’…
Quote:
|
because Kythorin mechs( originally ending with ‘a’)?
|
Asking again what is
‘mech’ or ‘Mech?’ and if its
‘Mech,’ then you should capitalize it throughout the write.
This story reads or shares many similarities of Titan A.E. with Matt Damon, also it reminds me of Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within with Alec Baldwin. Was this your inspiration?
You’re joking(,) Possibly a period missing?
Just more visual details would be most appropriate for such a science fictional epic.