After all the edits this has gone through, there is little left to correct. But here I would like to stress upon a few subtle aspects of writing - which are from my point of view. Note - they may not match with yours.
When a reader is reading a piece (and here I assume the writer writes to be read), then one of the most important concepts of writing that comes forward is the flow. And so, its equally important to place your pauses in apt positions. not too oft yet not too remote. And only where they have an opportune significance. This can never be done when writing, not unless you're God (chuckle!), and hence editing is important even in this instance.
Ok, onto an excerpt:
Quote:
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It dawns upon me with a sudden inescapable fright. It spreads like blood in milk, melts like ice in water. The world closes in upon me and I gasp, a stifled sob. The reach of a soul that has lost its master, misplaced its guide.
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It dawns upon me with a sudden inescapable fright. - Fair enough.
It spreads like blood in milk, melts like ice in water. - Watch out, where is the link? What has blood in milk got to do with ice in water? You're obviously talking about Love, but there is no contrast that you have been able to bring out. I see two totally different things, even if they are liquids. Rather it could be -
It forms like moulded lava, melts like ice in water. - It may not be the best example, but trying to make my point here.
The world closes in upon me and I gasp, a stifled sob. - Note that you had a pause in your last line, which was for people to understand your point. But this one makes no sense to me. Why hamper the flow here? When you can simply pen a lucid line - "I can almost feel the world closing in upon me." Your gasp and stifled expressions are too earthly.
The reach of a soul that has lost its master, misplaced its guide. - Another pause. This one would probably work well if you didn't have all three lines in tandem with paused interiors. Now while this is nothing absolute, but it has come out a very broken paragraph.
Ok, I'll skip most of it, and come to one more sentence.
Quote:
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The hands of a beautiful angel, whose rosy lips I yearn to kiss.
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I don't consider this sentence as able to stand single-handedly.
There are too many I's in the last sentence. Maybe a few changes can go. Like - I am on the brink of beginning a new existence to my being. - can be:
It is the brink of beginning to a new existence of my being. - or something.
Just a few thoughts.
Hirak.