[foltgee]

Your story had a very good beginning, but then fails to keep my interest past the 3rd page. The problem with the story is one of establishing the reader's expectations, and then delivering something entirely different, which is a cardinal sin in the literary world. Specifically I'm talking about your thief. In the beginning you inform the reader that he's going to have a bad night, despite all of his laborious preparations for the job. You describe in very good detail exactly what his preparations are, down to which locks he already opened the night before, so that he had his entry and exit all planned out. In essence, you set the reader up for a story about a master thief's night out, and how something unexpected will happen to cause his "bad night." Unfortunately, your story not only fails to deliver this expectation, but it then goes on for 17 more pages on a story that only slightly relates to your first three.

Don't get me wrong, your theif character does hold some of my interest, and I would recommend that you keep him. However, I'd either drop the dwarf, the fighter and the wrath, or I'd introduce them in some other fashion and within the context of your main character's "bad night out".

Also, you fail to explain why your theif "stumbles" while in the vault, thus alerting the guards. Does he get weak in the knees whenever he's in the sight of piles of gold? If so, wouldn't this make him a pretty bad thief? How would that effect his standing in the guild? After his daring escape, (and the deaths of half the household guards!) what happens next? Is the homeowner with such wealth going to simply let it go and just buy better locks for next time a thief decides to pilfer his hard-earned wealth. I'd think he would be pissed! Wouldn't you?

Do you see where I'm going with this? That's why I think you have the makings of a good story without the "Dungeons & Dragons" adventure log, where your interesting character is demoted to a dispassionate observer chewing on pizza while the fighter and the mage are hogging up all the dice. I want to get to know your theif, and I want to see how a man so skilled in the art of breaking and entering can have a "bad night".

Good luck!

(P.S. Don't worry about throwing out so much material. As a writer myself, I know too well the pain of eliminating entire chapters. It comes with this craft, believe me.)