Quote:
Originally Posted by iyengar
I liked the idea and language used, both were simple yet had a profound meaning. the ryhtm was also good. Would suggest a couple of changes.
"He mixed the dough to bake for bread" ... i think the for is not required, the line sounds much better sans it.
"The hole they felt within their soul, Now that his life was at an end" May be you could start with "A hole..."
"Preferring bed to lonely tomb."..this does not quite fit the meter, its a trifle short..may be you could modify it to "Preferring his bed.."
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Regarding the first, it helps the rhythm. The rhythm is imabic, alternating unstressed and stressed beats.
"he MIXED the DOUGH to BAKE for BREAD"
Removing the "for" would break the rhythm.
And for the last:
"pre-FER-ring BED to LONE-ly TOMB"
Again, adding "his" would break the rhythm, putting two unstressed beats before "bed":
"pre-FER-
ring his BED to LONE-ly TOMB"
Regarding the hole in their soul, I actually don't like that part anyway. How do you console a hole?
I think I got carried away with the internal rhyme.
Thanks for reading and for the comments! I appreciate it.