[Evrviglnt]

Good set up - bounty hunter of sorts off to pick up a girl but her village is razed, so he's stuck with her. Why she left the village, so that he had to go and get her, we don't know yet, but time will tell.

There are some minor mistakes:

This is pretty pathetic, I wouldn't want to die here, but does she have to come with me?

That last part is a question, right?

"And I did my job too bad someone decided to raze your village before I got back with you.

No commas. "And I did my job, too bad someone decided to raze your village before I got back with you."

I know it seems petty, like spelling mistakes - but grammar mistakes can rob you of the emotion your trying to inspire in your reader. Commas are tempo devices, use them to pivot or define a point your making.

This paragraph:

He released her and started off again, she was in a daze though and tumbled backward to land flat on her behind. Damn it all, not only is she a whiny little thing she has an attitude. I guess she must not agree with the Green Maje ideals of pacifism.

I'm expecting that the line "Damn it all, not only is she a whiny little thing (missing comma) she has an attitude (missing exclamation point) is meant also to be italicized. I like the tactic of differentiating between thought, dialogue and storyline, but be careful that you get it all, otherwise you have situations where you go from objective storyline to subjective storyline, and it sounds out of place.

One last thing - you can always go back and tweek your stories - fixing them and changing little things, smoothing things out. I do that a lot to my stories, always going back and rereading them, cleaning them up. The edit button is our friend...