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Old 08-03-2007, 03:11 PM
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Odanion Odanion is offline
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Re: "They're Watching Me."

Nice story overall...just a few things:

How times have changed, now I was one calming him down. Before he answered, his eyes swept the room cautiously, before he silently beckons for me to follow him. He leads me to the back garden; he eyes every object suspiciously, as if everything contains a secret camera.

There are a few mistakes in this part

'now I was THE one...'

Tense changed a few times making it sound like you are there talking, while he was doing something awhile ago.

Even though the tense changes are a necesity in this part...'his eyes swept the room before...'

It still seems as if it is something that happened before and not something happening right now...it should be SWEEP in this case


Like I said...great story I really liked it alot, so all I can say is keep up the awesome work and write more
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