[EternalPen]

Well, I could say a lot of nice things and a lot of bad things, but I really don't want to pick sides. The idea has sort of been done before, but you DID add changes to make a new idea. You had quite a chunk of gramatical mistakes, but we all make those, right? Nobodys perfect.
I liked it. It's not exactly my favorite, na dI hate to sound mean, but I'd rather sound mean and truthful than nice and a liar.
The story wasn't GREAT, but it didn't stink. It could be something SOO much better than it is if you could work just a BIT harder on it. Revise it a bit, answer some questions, give a bit more character and place descriptions.
This could be WONDERFUL, it just needs to be edited a bit.