[Vince]

Author's Note: A scetch inspired by the Monty Pythons.

THE CAST

The Employees

Mr. Gilmore
Mr. LaCroix
Mr. Mac Neil
Mr. Shellington
Mr. Finnard
Mr. Barrimore
Mrs. Muttocks

The Clients

Mr. Carbing
Mr. Cane

An office with four desks. One at the entrance. The door opens and a man comes in.

Mr. Gilmore
Good evening sir.

Mr. Carbing
Good evening. I'd like to get a new passport, as my last one was stolen.

Mr. Gilmore
Now, for a new passport, you may want to talk with Mr. LaCroix. He's in the first desk from your left.

Mr. Carbing
Thank you.

He walks to Mr. LaCroix's desk.

Mr. Carbing
Good evening sir, I'd like a new passport.

Mr. LaCroix
Que?

Mr. Carbing
(confused)
A new... passport?

Mr. LaCroix raises his shoulders.

Mr. Gilmore
Ah, you see Sir, Mr. LaCroix is French.

Mr. Carbing
French?

Mr. Gilmore
What was that?

Mr. Carbing
(confused)
I just asked you if he's indeed French.

Mr. Gilmore
Oh! I'm sorry sir. You see, I have a short attention span.

Mr. Carbing
And what does that mean?

Mr. Gilmore
It means my brain can remember only three lines of dialogue. Then I forget what I was talking about.

Mr. Carbing
You must be kidding!

Mr. Gilmore
About what?

Mr. Carbing
Oh, forget it! The problem is I don't know french, so I can't speak with Mr. LaCroix for a new passport.

Mr. Gilmore
Well, Mr. Finnard knows french. He's next to Mr. LaCroix. You could ask him.

Mr. Carbing
Thank you again.

Mr. Carbing walks to Mr. Finnard's office.

Mr. Carbing
Excuse me sir, but would you be most kind and ask Mr. LaCroix to get me a new passport?

Mr. Finnard does nothing, but stares at mr. Carbing.

Mr. Carbing
Sir?

Mr. Gilmore
I'm afraid Mr. Finnard is deaf...

Mr. Carbing
(angry, yelling)
Deaf!? What sort of office is this?

Mr. Gilmore
Sir, instead of yelling you could tell me your problem, so I can help you.

Mr. Carbing
Dammit! How the hell am I suppossed to get a bloody passport? Mr. LaCroix is French and Mr. Finnard, who speaks french, is deaf!

Mr. Gilmore
(calmly)
That's why we have Mr. Shellington. He knows sign language. He's on your right. But, before each word, you must use the -ja syllable, or else he won't understand a word you're saying...

Mr. Carbing
Are you serious!?

Mr. Gilmore
I'm always serious sir. Stop wasting my time!

Mr. Carbing
I can't believe this...

Speaking to Mr. Shellington

Mr. Carbing
Ja-can ja-you ja-ask, ja-mr. ja-Finnard... ja-to ja-ask ja-mr. ja-LaCroix... to get me, eh... ja-to ja-get ja-me, ja-a ja-new ja-passport?

Mr. Shellington
Of course sir, but why do you talk like this? You have a brain problem, or something?

Mr. Carbing
(confused)
But... but... that man, (points at Mr. Gilmore) told me to use the -ja syllable...

Mr. Shellington
What syllable?

Mr. Carbing
(taliking to Mr. Gilmore)
What's happenning here? Why is he asking me about the -ja syllable? You told me I had to use it, before each word!

Mr. Gilmore
(sympathetic)
Poor Mr. Shellington... He's in denial...

Mr. Carbing
(shouting)
I can't believe this! This is a bloody madhouse!

A man enters the office

Mr. MacNeil
(loud voice)
What's going on here? Why all the shouting? You sir! (points at Mr. Carbing) Why were you shouting?

Mr. Carbing
Finally! A normal man! My good sir, you see...(interrupted)

Mr. MacNeil
What are you saying? I don't understand you...

Mr. Gilmore
Passport new wants he.

Mr. MacNeil
Aha! So a new passport. You should speak with Mr. LaCroix.

Mr. Carbing
Oh God! What's wrong with him?

Mr. Gilmore
With who?

Mr. Carbing
(angry, yelling)
I'm outta here before I go nuts!

Mr. Gilmore
Please sir, tell me what you need from us.

Mr. Carbing leaves the office, slamming the door.

Mr. Shellington
Some people are so weird...

Mr. MacNeil
What did he say?

Mr. Gilmore
Told he that weird so people are some.

Mr. MacNeil
Yeah... It's funny...

Mr. Gilmore
Is what funny?

Mr. MacNeil
Nevermind. (He opens the door and shouts) Mrs. Tocksmut, a feeco seplea!

Mrs. Muttocks
Up right coming! Cubes how of sugar many?

Mr. MacNeil
Just neo should be nefi.

Mr. LaCroix
Que?

Another man enters the office

Mr. Cane
Good evening. I'd like to get a marriage license.

Mr. Gilmore
Oh, that's second floor. Ask for Mr. Barrimore.

Mr. Cane
Ok, Mr. Barrimore, second floor... Thank you.

Mr. Gilmore
Oh, and don't forget to bounce, while you're talking to him.

Mr. Cane
What?

Mr. Gilmore
What?