It was only after I got into the poem that the fist verse stood out.
The feverish love rapidly heating, the bodies twirling
Her poise looked brightly, her eyes screamed out seductively
His mentality dangerous, his scheme murderous
With better use of grammar and not so many connectors which seldom do poetry much good in terms of peotic stuff i rejigged this abit to show you
Feverish love rapidly heating bodies, twirling
Posided and bright, her eyes screamed secudctively
His mentality, dangerous, his scheme, murderous
Taking one line - her poise can't 'look brightly' looked bright would be grammatically correct, but saying that a poise can't 'look', which is what ur sayng really.
On the whole though it was a good effort.
This line also
Quote:
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Falling down on top of her, his face not in a frown
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This line seemed awkward wording/cluttered and there must be abetter way to get across what u mean
Falling down on top of her, his face no frown it bore/wore
without a frown
smoothed, no frown
Quote:
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The lover enters as the knight in shiny armor
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...'as the' makes it seem like a script instruction.
The lover enters, the knight in shining armour....???
But nice to see somemore stuff from you.