[modfiction942]

Overall, I really liked this piece. A great portrayal of young friendship, bittersweet and nostalgic. Reminds me of "Bridge to Terabithia" and "The Changeling" and other such books. How old are you and Tiffy? You said "makeup" - guessing around 12-13? Perhaps you should clarify. Anyway: there are a few stylistic things that I feel I must comment on.

I loved your voice, not so sure about your organization. I didn't much like the way you chaptered it; it seemed to detract from the flow of the flashbacks. I would suggest italicizing the flashbacks instead and dropping the chapter titles. Although they are pretty long sections to have to italicize. Maybe you could indent them or change the font size or something, just to show that they ARE flashbacks and they ARE distinct from the present action. Not sure. But I definitely don't like the chapter setup. The section after "The First: The Beginning," the part where you segue into your second chapter, seemed too short and too easy. I'd say add a bit more dialogue in here so it doesn't look like you were just trying to make a transition. The other transition sections were fairly smooth, though.

Having been working on my ability to describe surroundings to set a background in my stories, I had a sheet of paper that had an entire story about what it was like in a dark forest that contained horrors unknown.

You lost me in the middle of this sentence. I would split it up into 2 sentences and use more active verbs than "had."

The next day, we came back with fresh wood and worked hard. Hard and steady, we got it done. The next day.

How did you assemble Lothinar? If it was made of wood, how did it fall apart in the rain?

As words for my broken throat, a single tear fell from my eyes and hit the ground, symbolizing my final goodbye to her.

Is the tear serving as words for your broken throat? If so, maybe stick in some clarification. Also, your treatment of tears and crying throughout the story borders on being sentimental. Perhaps I'm just heartless, but I found the whole tear-symbolism/precious-tears thing just a little bit too Disney.

I didn't want to be talking solemnly, but I had a pressuring aura around me that said I had to say it like that.

You don't need "say it like that" in this sentence. Also, you just used solemnly in your previous sentence. Use a different word.

The fence looked really unstable at one area, but that was because it was.

This sounds like something a seventh-grader might say. Just say "The fence WAS unstable" or else "The fence LOOKED unstable." You don't need both; each one implies the other.

Things I liked: your personification (of the pond, the storm, etc.), your fantasy terminology to describe mundane things, your description, the way you structured it (with the flashbacks). I really do like this piece. If I came across as being too mean I'm sorry. I just think it would benefit from a little cleaning up. I like the length - I don't think you need to add or remove anything. I agree with Pichu that your dialogues need work, but I think they're a little too EXTRAordinary. They read like a movie script - not too realistic.

One last thing - your title. Not catchy enough. It could be about ANYbody's good friend. I'd like it better if it were more specific to you and Tiffy and your experience together. But, it's a title. Your call.