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See...maybe it was a typo, but I think it reads better now that with tow "from"'s on the same line, just might be my opinion, but seems like unneeded repetition to me. may not be completely clear on first reading...but that's the beauty of poetry than you can pick up different things after each reading.
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Actually, yes, it is a typo. It should be "begs
for freedom from lack of control". I'll fix it now.
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I also noticed that you also used a bit of archaic language - "hark" and "thine", personally I love them, and give poetry a decadent old world feel, but you may run into those who dismiss it as fodder and insult to modern poetry.
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I don't use them too often. But like you perceived, this poem isn't meant to be flowery or nice. I used archaic words on purpose to move the reader away from the comfort zone of conventional/modern comfort.
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went a little awry, looked like in places you were trying to hard to rhyme.
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Well, to be fair, I did want the poem to rhyme. I wrote it in less than 10 minutes on the way to college, though. Actually, no... that was the other one. This one I wrote in class because a classmate read my other poem and commented how they don't seem to rhyme, so I wrote this one which rhymed. The theme, however, had been playing in my mind all morning and for some part of the day before as well.
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Your images were great - the whole idea of looking in the mirror and seeing the epitome of what we fear, the monster and all the petty emotion that humans experience. Great job, well rounded metaphor and great piece. Can’t wait to see more form you mate.
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Thanks! It's absolutely amazing to get such compliments from someone whose poetic skills I highly respect.