Ok. Some of what I have to say might have already been addressed. Of what I scanned of the other comments I tried to omit those corrections... but here it is...
Quote:
|
Twenty slow paced miles later she took an unmarked and unpaved turn, and began a steady ascent to the top of the cliffs.
|
No comma after and is needed. When connecting with an and-- you only need a comma when the following is another complete sentence.
Quote:
|
and admired the sunrises, sunsets, and the sparkling ocean
|
Once again, no comma needed... it is a list. Just like I would say.... I need two pairs of gloves, three pairs of socks and a coat. .... leaving out the comma. A common mistake is overusing commas.
Here are some out of place words......
Quote:
|
and spunky attitude had never
|
Perhaps some suggestions of possible substitutes.... "undeniable intensity" .... "and insubordinate attitude" or "and unruly attitude"
Over all this piece has a lot going for it. The beginning was a bit hard for me to get in to, but when the other car entered the piece you had me more interested. Perhaps a little more description that will give your other senses a tingle... you mentioned once wind... things like that. Temperature... etc. That or little flashes of her and David together while she's accelerating.... something to draw the audience in that bit more.
I liked the voice.. it was really realistic to me. I think mostly this story needs a little more backstory, character developement (specifically of the main character and David's relationship would be ideal).. This is a piece that can easily be added to, making it longer and more multifaceted which will bring in more readers identifying with your writing. Keep up the good work, just don't shy away from taking your story to the next level.