Overall, I was impressed with the narrative voice in this. From a vocabulary and sentence structure point of view (and even from a topic one), I wouldn't consider this an "amateur" piece. The only problem I had with it is that it felt incomplete, like it was a piece of a larger story instead of something complete in and of itself.
Part of that is the characters. While I enjoyed the depth of characterization of the main character, I never felt enough of a connection to care. Also, the conflict felt disconnected as well - suddenly it showed up in a car after halfway through.
I appreciated what was happening, but I wanted more.
I thought the descriptions were quite good, and the words flowed mostly smoothly. The use of numbers in relation to the motorcycle seemed a bit much. Mixing "kilos" and "miles per hour" in the same sentence threw me for a moment. And then having 999 ccs and 139 horsepower felt like another unit switch. Minor, but I did notice.
Some additional word things:
Quote:
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“You know what I miss most about David?” she asked lightheartedly as if she...
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I would use that word instead.
Quote:
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Unlike the evening gown debutantes and courtesans she had sought for her well endowed son
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To me, this meant something other than what I think you intended.
Those are minor. Again, overall, I was quite impressed! I'll have to read more of your pieces. And I would like to see more to this one, too. I think more depth to the characters and their interactions could make this even more enjoyable.