Oh my, that was chilling. Almost depressing actually, though not depressing enough to serve as an excuse to go get chocolate ice cream...laregely because I'm out of chocolate ice cream. A couple gramatic things towards the end with the rapid dialogue, but it's mostly hackneyed commas. I was confused with one little bit though...
Quote:
He rises as if I had electrocuted him.
"Your one of them, aren't you!" He whispers with muted terror "They got to you didn't they! Didn't they!"
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When you suggest that he whisper the line, the use of the eclamation points, at least for the first part of the quote, seem a little intense. I thought about khow a grown adult whispers an epiphany and it's usually much more subdued. A child however could exclaim while whispering but it's not all that common. I can see both sides of the useage, however I favor the first and yeah...pointless really and incredibly trivial.
Good work, I know stories aren't your favorite but I think you've got some skill. Would love to see more of them from ya.