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Old 12-10-2007, 11:59 AM
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Phonoho Phonoho is offline
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Re: "Allegiance is forsaken"

Quote:
are we lost in cowers.
You can sometimes get away with using a verb for a noun, but this choice seems awkward and clearly tacked onto the end for the sake of rhyme only.

Quote:
or could it be a window to a world we know, not so much.
End rhyme should either be unobtrusive, like a smooth bridge to the next line, or it should make a bold impact as it accents your point, nailing it to the wall. It may be best if you didn't rhyme at all.

Your mood here seems a little vague and ponderous so I can't get a clear picture of just what it is you are pondering.
I found this to be heavy with end rhyme, distracted thoughts and needful of more clarity of purpose and intent.
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