[Nephilim]

lately i havent been review a whole lot of stories on here (i love the site, but college apps are a bitch) but this story caught my eye.

the diction is excellent in my opinion. a little clunky in the first paragraph. perhaps edit the staccato of the first few sentances into something more fluid, something with more flowing imagery.

i liked the kind of over-the-top violence to it. it reminded me of john woo's hardboiled, or his game, Stranglehold. however, the bane of the game and of the story remain the same. it seems that, while the action parts are good, and the immediate rising action is good (i like him holding the body with his foot), it kindof feels a bit contrived against the rest of the story. however, what i did like about the action was how instantly it started. the sort of way that johnny suddenly becomes uncaged is awesome. the switch between third person (i remember it happening twice [my gun...we passed underground]) also, some redundant sentances in the beginnings of paragraphs kind of made that whole section feel a little bit off. try using other words besides "pale" and "paper white" to describe johnny. also, switching between johnny and "the figure" is a little bit too seamless. it led me to believe there was a split personality for a little while, then realized the two were synonymous. also, and this is more of a styleistic remark, try describing the gunfight in deep detail. it will slow it down, making each person johnny kills important and interesting.

as a whole, this is a great story. the action is all there, and the characterization is good. really just a bunch of little things, rather than one big thing, could use correcting.

let me know what you think