[Bluejay]

Originally Posted by Nephilim

i liked it. it was a short, fun read. not too deep, but it doesnt have to be.

i agree with the bread remark. how about instead:

As mixed the dough bread,
A sudden pain coursed through his head.


i think it sounds better that way, a little bit more brief, but holds the same amount of meaning. you can probably come up with a better way to word it.

other than that, yeah. good poem, i will look for others from you. i dont quite see the satire, but im not the most brilliant guy out there (currently have a C+ in AP English Lit).

best of luck

Thanks for the comments! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Regarding the suggested change, each line has four beats. So what you suggest doesn't fit. But thanks anyway.