Hey Steph, I've finally gotten to reading this on SM! Here goes my second edit:
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The tickle of the wind brushes her silver tattered skirt across her thighs. A soft groan of delight crackles from her throat as her fluorescent blue eyes flash open
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What the...? Is she having an orgasm or what?
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She fears, of being caught by the human eye.
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Comma after fears is unneccesary.
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Then her other hand takes a hold of the leaf, as well, that's when she rips it in half.
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A little awkward. Seperate into two sentences, possibly. (Gah, how did I miss this stuff editing the first time?! ^_^)
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She caused the rip in the leaf just as she caused the curse.
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A bit of an awkward transition.
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He the sun, she the moon; always chasing after one another. Forever they live under the curse.
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Good comment here. I adore this!
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She stands up and walks to a damaged shed with a partially broke window
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Broken
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He, the sun, has given it to her after her smile widens at the dirty thoughts running freely in her mind.
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I think you might have combined two thoughts here. Seperate them.
All right, that's my belated second edit (and really, tenses weren't that bad, just a little here and there). I really do like this one, and I think it's one of your best. True, it's not my style (romance, ergh) but still like this one. The idea is great, very mythical, fable-ish, like some sort of modern fairy tale. Love it.