foxblade: Yeah, I can see where it's a bit redundant. I could justify it by saying it follows from his state of mind (being somewhat foggy and stuck from lack of sleep), but I hadn't thought of it ahead of time.
By the more wordy opening, I was trying to establish both a dark mood and reasonable doubt about the character's mental state. (Was it real or just imagined?) Perhaps I went too far with that. I'm glad the action part worked for you.
googgaggle: Thanks much!
(And Dragoness, too. Thanks!)