[Bluejay]

Uh, Lord. Excuse me. Can I speak with you?

What are you doing here? I thought I told you it’s not good for us to be seen together.

I know, I know. And I apologize - but this is important. We’re having a problem “down below”.

What sort of problem?

Well, generally, things are going fine. The overall pain and misery in Hell is at the right level, and we have plenty of room for all the new members.

So..?

It’s… these Americans. They’re stirring up trouble.

What kind of trouble?

Things were great for a long time, but recently these new arrivals have begun to organize. And now they’re starting to make demands.

I don’t get it. Isn’t that what the whole “burning” thing was about? To keep them in line?

That’s the theory, and it works well for most of the damned. But when it comes to these Americans, it just seems to piss them off.

What are they demanding?

They claim that an eternity of suffering is “cruel and unusual punishment”. Some want the chance for rehabilitation and parole. Others are claiming that they didn’t have adequate representation at their judgment hearing, and that they weren’t informed properly of their rights during their lifetime and of the true nature of the punishment.

I thought “an eternity in Hell” was quite clear.

You would think so. But they say a notion like “eternity” is incomprehensible to the human mind, that if they had truly known, then they would obviously have lived better lives. There seems to be a general sense of indignation that they attended church every week and followed the commandments when it didn’t inconvenience them too much and still ended up burning. I get the feeling that they thought just living in the “God bless the” USA was an automatic in.

I believe I made it perfectly clear that pride is a deadly sin…

Yes. You did. But even that writ isn’t enough to keep the lawyers at bay.

Lawyers?

What do you mean “Lawyers?” You’re the one who keeps sending them down to me. My Lord, Hell is filled with lawyers and angry Americans. It’s a powder keg waiting to go off. They’ve already formed a political action committee, and they’re thinking of organizing a class-action lawsuit.

They’re going to sue Me?

It seems that way. They have this incredible sense of entitlement. They claim that their God-given rights to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” are being infringed by being condemned to an eternity in Hell.

I never gave them those rights.

I know. But that doesn’t stop them from believing they’re entitled to them.

This is hard to believe. I’ve seen Americans in Heaven, and they seem all right.

Well sure, some are. Unfortunately, it’s the self-righteous ones who ended up with me. And for some reason, they all seem to lack a sense of humor.

And no one else is giving you trouble?

Actually, most of them are well-behaved. The Zen Buddhists tend to sit by themselves and meditate through the pain. They almost seem to enjoy it. And every once in a while someone new starts going off about virgins, but the laughter usually puts a quick end to that.

So it’s just these Americans. What exactly are they demanding?

They want their eternal sentences appealed. They keep saying they want to take their cases “all the way to the Supreme Being.” Bastards…

They think they can sue their way into Heaven?

They want the chance, yes. And if that fails, they’re demanding that we open a Starbucks. Oh, and Wi-Fi. They want Internet access. They claim that an eternity without downloadable music and streaming video is simply too cruel to tolerate.

Starbucks? In Hell? Might as well, I suppose. They’re everywhere else.

So what are You going to do about this? They’re starting to picket – their infernal protesting is keeping me awake at night.

I don’t know that there’s much I can do.

What? Aren’t You “all-knowing” and “all-powerful”?

Of course.

It seems like You would have seen this coming and accounted for it in Your plan.

I’ve told you before – I see all possibilities. I know all that can happen. But things still unfold along the path that they will.

You don’t seem so all-knowing to me. Quick – what number am I thinking of?

298,734,221,847

Damn…

Don’t push your luck. You know, you weren’t my first choice for ruler of Hell.

What? Who was?

Peter.

Peter? That brown-nose?

It worked out well for him, don’t you think?

I suppose. But I still have this problem. I think I may have a solution, though.

What is it?

Go to them. Tell them You’re aware of their concerns, and You’ll be looking into it right away. Tell them that You will be addressing all of their complaints in due time.

You mean… lie?

Of course. They’re used to it. And it works. They’re lied to all the time by their government. It’s standard operating procedure.

Somehow that doesn’t seem ethical.

I don’t care squat about ethics. I just want to sleep at night.

Well… Look… We may not have to go that far. There’s something I haven’t told you about the whole Hell arrangement.

Wait… What’s that?

It turns out that the punishment isn’t eternal. People do have a chance to redeem themselves if they can have a change of heart and turn to Me.

So it was a lie, then?

A white lie… of sorts. Well, perhaps an exaggeration…

Ha! You… You… lied!

Look, eternal damnation is a darn good threat. It was meant to keep them in line. And the truth is, they’ll be in Hell as long as they cling to their sinful ways.

But they can get out?

Of course. Do you really think I’m that merciless and cruel? Punishment is meant to correct errant behavior and, to a certain extent, mete justice. Eternal punishment is an oxymoron. What’s the point of punishment if there’s no lesson to be learned, with no chance of redemption? And how could eternal suffering for any finite amount of sin be considered justice?

I’m stunned. So you mean I could eventually be out of a job?

As long as there are those like your friends down there, you won’t be wanting for work.

That’s not very comforting. Eternity is a hell of a long time. It seems like word would spread… Say, how do You know when someone has been redeemed?

I can read it in their hearts.

What about me? I can change. Go ahead, read what’s in my heart.

No.

What? How can You say no? Am I not one of Your children?

I don’t want to.

You have to.

No I don’t.

Yes You do.

Absolutely not! Look, I read what’s in that evil heart of yours once, and I couldn’t sleep for a week afterwards. You’re the only one who's ever done that to me.

That’s not fair. That’s… that’s discrimination! I have rights, too, You know.

You’re beginning to sound like those Americans.

Well, they were right about the whole “cruel and unusual punishment” thing, weren’t they? Maybe I should fight this. Maybe I ought to get myself a lawyer.

Not unless you enjoy being in Hell…