[ea_blue]

Hey EternalPen,

You have the bones of a good story here. I hope you continue to work on it. I want to know what happens next.

I few things to watch out for:

You have a habit of withholding the identity of the characters. This is generally a bad idea unless there is a very strong reason to. This sentence...

...spend time with the kids," said a female, who was talking to her husband, Nathan.

...passes by an opportunity to introduce the wife. Not only that, but it an insult to the wife and women in general. Her only title is 'female'? That's it? A female what? Badger?

"You can't leave, Mr. Mallek." One of the doctors told him, sternly.

At this point, Nathan has had three doctors working on him and we still don't know the name of any of them. It would be nice if 'Dr. Thompson' was one of them. Even if he only has a bit part.

Make sure the target of your adjective and adjective phrases are clear.

said the woman, replying to the sounds of the fire

This portion of the sentence sounds like she is talking to the sounds of the fire!

...after jumping into nearby trees. One man took five pictures of it and ran off....

Was he taking a picture of the trees?

I'm not picking at you here. I KNOW what you meant. I point these things out because you don't want the reader to pause and figure out what you really meant. You want the reader to get it instantly. The story is more readable that way and more enjoyable if the meaning is easily understandable.

When you are describing something by comparing it to another thing, make sure we know what the other thing is.

saw something that looked like Tito. It was MUCH larger than Tito, but it looked a little like him.

At this point, you haven't described Tito. So we still have no idea what this thing looks like.

A black van, as black as the forest around it...

Again, you haven't described how black the forest is, so the comparison is empty.

The plot is interesting. I hope you continue working on this. It's worth the effort.

ea_blue