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Old 14-11-2007, 05:34 AM
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Re: Natural Born Killer

Interesting plot. I like how it switches on you in the end.

I wonder why there are line spaces in the middle of sentences. Perhaps that was a copy and paste error? That should be corrected of course.

There are places where I'd like to see more detail. Like here:
Quote:
The idiot has his rifle held out unprofessionally.
I'd like to know just what he is doing that makes it unprofessional.

...and here:
Quote:
He (for some odd reason) is wearing big thick glasses.
I've been dinged for doing this in my own writing countless times. Either tell us what the 'odd reason' is or just tell us. You bring attention away from the story and onto the author, where it should not be, with the '(for some odd reason)' part.

Quote:
Ralph now sprinting into the woods is scared silly.
Need a comma after 'Ralph' and after 'woods'. The sentence is rough without the commas.

Keeping working at this one. The idea is very cool. I like that the characters grow in so little time. You hid what was really happening (paintball) very well.

Cheers!

ea_blue
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