[Timmay]

Synopsis: History


Every man dies the same way. It’s a simple fact of life. Death’s definition, in fact, is the cessation of all vital functions of the body including the heartbeat, brain activity (including the brain stem), and breathing. However, should you ever actually meet Death, he would be very offended, and would say that he is no such thing, rather an angel who gets paid by collecting the souls of the dearly departed. But that’s another story.

Another simple fact of life is that death is a planned action. One doesn't randomly fall over dead; it was completely planned. However, this was only known by those who believed in predestination and Death himself, mainly due to the ignorance of man. Few people bother recognizing something that is staring them in the face.

One last, extremely well known fact is that no amount of sobbing wives, daughters, and mothers can bring back the dead. This, of course, is built off of our second, less excepted reality. One might argue that this is a bogus fact, but all those who have been brought back from the dead by some sort of resuscitation escaped the jaws of Death. Not only is this not true, but once again Death would be deeply offended by this; Death is a regular man (not one who takes the souls of the dead in his jaws) who just happens to exist beyond our realm of thought. Getting back on track, when a human is brought back from the dead, he was never truly dead to begin with; he still had brain activity going on, even though his heart beat and breathing might have ceased.

So, knowing these three facts, we turn to Anton Leonov, who is currently sitting in a foxhole. In a matter of moments, a trench mortar will strike him, and he will disintegrate. However, his death will occur when his brain stops working and he quits breathing and such will be exactly like every other man’s death, only a little faster.

So, I ask you, why would we bother learning about a soldier who is about to become a bloody splotch on the ground? Because, he is the main character. See, what he and the most of the world didn’t know is that the Earth, the one created several billion years ago, was made for him. History, in fact, was a force, a force stronger than even God, and every action through human history was all for the purpose of creating him. Without him, life is completely futile, and will end even before his dust hits the ground.

This, as you would expect, angered all of those who knew that their world was going to end with his death. They expected him to last much longer than he did. But history, being a force, had to take its linear path.

However, since people in general are argumentative, they sued History. They claimed History was a traitor and had purposely set Anton up in the situation he was in at the present moment. History naturally was astounded, and claimed that he wasn’t in control of his own actions.

The lawsuit itself lasted a little over a month, the verdict being that the defendant was guilty of conspiracy to end the Earth. He was sentenced to death by lethal injection.

This brought up whole new bunch of issues, like who the hell is going to fill in for History. The leader of the prosecutors, a man by the name of Robert, was told he would be the next History.

Robert didn’t take to kindly to this, and promptly turned down the appointment. This angered the people, who in turn took Robert to the back of his house and stoned him to death. Those people were found guilty of murder and put on 100,000,000 dollars bail. That, once again, is another story.

Again, the dilemma to fill in History’s spot was on the table. It was then a brave man stepped up and took the job. His name was John, but sadly (for him), he was a math major. He knew not even the slightest about history and how it operated. He was quickly demoted to the janitor for History, and all of his knowledge was wasted as he mopped floors for the rest of his life.

Past that, no one had the guts to fill in History’s job. So the people sought to restore History. They were obviously crushed when they learned that you couldn’t bring people back from the dead. So, they did the next best thing; they took History’s body and threw it back into his office.

Amazingly, this worked for about a month. The people were pleased to see that they had a concrete object controlling the world. However, a man named Duncan decided to point out the fact that a dead man was controlling the path of history. Duncan was arrested and shot behind a chemical shed.

However, the apocalypse was drawing nearer and nearer. Death himself was nervous, an amazing task seeing as he knew death was guaranteed, even for him.

So, Death and the people got on the phone with God, the first time in 4 billion years. You see, when God was in the 3rd grade, he needed a science fare project, so he created Earth, complete with man. However, since he was short of time he created man in his own image. Because of that minor flaw, he only got second place. He was so disappointed, he threw away the Earth. That caused the rest of Earth to be very angry with God, and vice versa.

So, naturally, the conversation was awkward to say the least. After finding out how God was doing, Death and the people agreed to go out for lunch.

After a night of preparing a speech, Death and the people were ready to see God. They meet at Excecier restaurant in Boston. Death and the people got the surf and turf, while God got a 16-ounce steak. Both parties pitched in for a Byron 1996.

After lunch, Death presented his argument for why God should save Anton Leonov from certain death. God thought, and refused. He insisted that since death is a natural part of life, we should embrace it just like we embrace sex and the weather.

The people were saddened to hear this, but Death understood. So, he went to see Anton, who was about to be blown up by a mortar.

Sure enough, the mortar hit Anton, and existence was wiped out of the universe. God saw this, and was slightly saddened, like he had lost his rock pet. However, just like a pet rock, he found a new planet, and all was good, at least for him.