I'm going to be blunt and say I didn't like this. Whilst the idea looked good, I wasn't too happy with the style. Although don't be disheartened: consider this a "pilot episode"; this is where you'd find out this stuff if you were really in the TV industry.
Ok, onto the useful stuff. I personally do not like the idea of a narrator on something like this. Narrators should be reserved for "Last time, on <insert show name>...", and a similar ending, not interwoven with the action. If you can't get something across without using a narrator, you're doing something wrong.
Your Act 2 break comes at a pretty strange point: slap-bang in the middle of some dialogue. I'm hoping that this:
Quote:
Guy and nine other people are sitting in front of Lorrinto who stands in front of a bonfire.
LORRINTO
Although mere mortal kindred dare not believe in our strength, our aspiration for power and our lust for the paranormal, we cannot shut them out of our lives. We must respect them, pity them and help them fill the hole that we have with our love of the Ninth Moon.
End of Act 2 – Commercial Interruption
LORRINTO
If you’re to take anything from this camp, let it be that advice.
Guy’s eyes begin to water as he stares at the camp leader.
NARRATOR (O.S)
He didn’t know if it were staring at the flames for such a long time, or if it was something deeper than that. Guy felt ashamed for not showing his brother that he loved him, and swore under the alliance of Lunar folk that he will help mend his failing relationship with Phil.
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was merely a mistake as opposed to intention. Breaks in dialogue are great for creating tension, but this just seemed like a "oh wait... we didn't time that right" moment.
The relationships of the characters don't seem to be that convincing, with Sydney and Phil seeming to get along at their first meeting, then Sydney implying Phil is a fruit-cake later on. Similarly for Phil and Sarah: they seem fairly happy at the beginning, but don't seem as "happily married" by the end.
However, it's not all bad. The use of flashbacks is effective (and I think you should consider using more techniques like that instead of your narrator), and to say that some of the characters don't interact believably at times, on the occasions that they do they produce some "laugh out loud" moments.
In short: get rid of the narrator and use some less-lazy methods of exposition, show progression of relationships a little more obviously, and sort out those act breaks! Your acts seem to be a few minutes apart, and all different sizes! (Although acting can spead this out a little better).