Hey Bluejay,
I enjoyed this one. I felt this story describes a man a war with himself. He is killing himself slowly in a life, that for whatever reason, he is completely unsatisfied with. The worst symptoms emerge as his inability to sleep. Later it becomes a menacing shadow, and finally a physical manifestation. I may be reading too much into it. But viewing it this way it is a very satisfying story.
The setup is a bit long, but I would argue it is appropriate to the subject. About the time I started to wonder when the 'conflict' would occur the shadows of snakes appeared. That was the warmup for the real menace. If this warmup could be incorporated into the earlier paragraphs, I think it would move the story along a little better. Keep the intro as you have it. It sets the mood so well. Just combine it with a little more action.
The nitpicks:
Here, you are describing the enormous pressure in his head and then this:
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it could no longer fit in the echoing cavern he carried between his ears.
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An echoing chamber describes a large empty space for me. It contradicts what you were talking about.
This seemed odd to say:
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creating a shadow that blotted out the light as it passed.
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Shadows "do" blot out the light. It's not unusual. This phrase didn't do anything for me.
This paragraph was confusing to me:
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With the claws mere inches from his silhouetted head, he couldn’t take it any longer. He spun and thrust out with his hand. Once more, there was nothing there, his arm slicing through empty air. He turned to his panting, wide-eyed partner. Once more, it was safe.
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I "think" this is his own shadow, but that couldn't be it because it couldn't be "wide-eyed". I could imagine it panting next to him though. Cut out the wide-eyed part and this would be very good.
At this point, the action is really beginning. Still, his reaction to what he is seeing seems too tame. I would enjoy seeing some of the language you began the story with to describe his horror at seeing this doppleganger. Milk it for the shock and revulsion. I think I would completely freak if I saw something like that. I might try to explain it away, as he did, but I would still be shaking and ready to bolt into a sprint at the slightest leaf crackle.
I liked this one a lot. I love horror that is more felt than seen. Creeping just at the edge of vision. Hope to see more like this.
Cheers!
ea_blue