Quote:
In his mind, Julie would only rest when Hank exacted vengeance on the animals that had killed her. (Original)
In his mind, Julie would only rest when he exacted vengeance on the animals that had killed her.(Possible Rewrite)
“One way or another, your days of raping and killing are over.” sneered Hank.
“I’m done, mister. You got me good. I need a doctor.” cried Bellows.
“I’m sure the sheriff can arrange for medical care. You’ll be in fine shape for the hanging, killer.” barked Hank.
“Where’s the doc’s office? I need to have this wound dressed.” said Hank.
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My problem with this story is that the actions are too rushed. Why not make a prologue introducing Hank and his loving wife together one last time before her death.
Chapter 01-You mentioned a the Civil War and how Hank lived the life as a soldier. Show how Hank honed his “skills.”
Chapter 02-Hank was what before the War? Describe his metamorphosis.
Chapter 03-Describe the vicious fiends that assaulted and murdered Julie. What made these deviants? This could possibly explain why they have a “bounty” on their heads.
Chapter 04-You mentioned Julie, why not give a chapter to her? Her physical features, bravery etc., How had they met? What was their wedding ceremony like? This could be illustrated as Hank sleeps at night while Blue grazes.
Chapter 05-Describe the saloon in more detail; describe the barmaids and other occupants.
In the heat of a moment would Hank really tell the men his “wife was the sweetest woman whose only crime in life was to believe there was good in everyone?” Perhaps something of that nature could be mentioned as he is beating the crap out of one the men?
Also consider giving a greater illustration of the wounds inflicted upon these men.
You ended the first chapter with Hank Swift becoming sheriff? That was too rushed. These are only my opinions, agree or disagree. This is an epic with much potential.