Quote:
You're like the touch of the wind,
Like the whisper of the tides,
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When you use the word "like" it is a simile, but when you can do without, then it is a deeper meaning. I remember reading this somewhere - compare -
Life is like a red red rose.
or
Life is a red red rose.
What I'm suggesting is the second line does not need "like" especially as it has been used in line 1.
Also use of "the" wind, "the" time needs to have a specific meaning, attritubuted to a special wind or time. Your poem should be just wind and time.
I dont understand whats with the grass turned green. It must have been written in a flow but editing is always required for such trivialties.
Quote:
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Catch a glimpse of your figure.
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This line certainly hurts the flow because the word figure is pretty prosaic.
The continuity of the lines isn't very convincing. Two consecutive lines are often completely unrelated and not in the same context.
Quote:
But you are away,
You are in the depths of my soul.
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How do they go together at all? Especially why is there a comma after the 1st line? Anyway I wont go into punctuation, coz I dont believe much in that.
Quote:
You're fading out,
Like an old photograph, like a forgotten fable.
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Like number 2 must go.
Quote:
I cannot seem to continue alone,
My will shattered.
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They dont make sense unless you say my will IS shattered, or change the order of the lines.
Ok, I'll stop here, and say that the feelings this poem exudes is more than sufficient to hold the reader. So you don't have to a Wordsworth to write a good poem. Way to go
Hirak.