[desiraejones333]

Chapter 1

The night was silent except for the faint pitter-patter of the rain on the rooftop. Every now and then the sky was lit up with a flash of lightning and you could see the outline of the Homes' house. The only other thing disrupting the night was the tossing and turning of Jessica, the 15-year-old daughter of the Homes' family.

After much tossing and turning the teenager finally awoke with a gasp for air and sweat running down her face.

"How could anyone sleep through the night with these dreams," Jessica thought to herself, "The flashing of the faces and the screams, it's unbearable!" Jessica complained

Knowing she wouldn't be able to sleep she moped over to her dresser tripping over the huge heap of clothes in the middle of her room. She found her mauve housecoat and put it on. Still a little freaked out and tired she checked the clock, only to find that it was 2:15 am. Not knowing what to do she walked across her room and slowly opened her creaky door. She tiptoed down the hall trying not to wake her sleeping family. As she passed her little sister's room she looked in and saw the tiny figure of a 10-year-old sitting on the ledge near the window.

"Lindsay what's wrong?" Jessica asked startling the young girl

"Nothing, I just couldn't sleep." Lindsay replied starring into Jessica's deep blue eyes, which were a lot like hers
"You too?" Jessica laughed pushing the small girl over.

"You couldn't sleep either?" Lindsay asked curiously

"Nope, I'm not really tired." Jessica fibbed.

"Oh really," Lindsay laughed, "then why do you have bags under your eyes?"

Jessica rubbed the bags that sure enough were there, and then she replied, "I am a little tired." How could she tell her little sister, that she, her role mode, had a nightmare and couldn't sleep? "So, why can't you sleep Linds?" Jessica asked trying to avoid the earlier subject.

"The rain was keeping me up, so I thought why keep fighting, and gave in." Lindsay explained giving her sister her brightest smile.

"Hey what do you say about the two of us going downstairs, having some hot cocoa and watching a movie until you fall asleep?" Jessica proposed.

"Really Jess," Lindsay questioned, "You don't think mom and dad would mind?"

"Nah, and if they do then I'll just explain what happened." Jessica decided.

"Sounds like a plan!" Lindsay exclaimed, already at her door heading for the stairs. "Beat you down there! Just try to be quiet don't want to wake mom or dad!" Jess laughed.

The two girls raced down the stairs to the dark and quiet living room. Lindsay fumbled for the light switch while Jessica did her best to find the kitchen. With in a few minutes the room was lit up and you could see the quaint little living room. There was a couch fitting three and a big screen television. On the walls above that, were many pictures of the entire family. The walls were painted a light brown and the carpet a darker shade of that. Jessica finally made it to the kitchen and Lindsay came soon after.

"Find the light switch did you?" Jessica laughed

"Yes I did," Lindsay laughed too, "And I'm very proud of it too."

The girls laughed for a while making jokes about each other and pushing each other around. At the same time they tried not to wake their parents. Suddenly, they were startled by a deep voice coming from behind them.

[Lubesh]

Hi,

I have reformatted your work and highlighted some errors for you to take a look at. At the beginning your tense changed but glad to see it kept consistent the rest of the way. I have underlined 'on the wall' I think maybe it is superfluous as u have alreafy mentioned the pics being on the wall. Also the bit about eyes. Something is mssing, it reads like her own eyes are a lot alike!!!lol. otherwise a pleasant read so far...

[Peppy]

Oooooooooo. Should I say spooky. I'll read the next chapter to see.

[Seraph]

Short and sweet aptly describes chapter one. However, short and sweet doesn't allow much of character development or plot twists. Seeing as it is Chapter one and how you did such a good job making it not boring and not info-dump, I'll let that slide. Of course, it isn't a problem if this is a series.

In what seems to be just a case of nightmares and wakefulness, the plot was flowing quite nicely until here: "The two girls raced down the stairs to the dark and quiet living room. Lindsay fumbled for the light switch while Jessica did her best to find the kitchen. With in a few minutes the room was lit up and you could see the quaint little living room. There was a couch fitting three and a big screen television. On the walls above that, were many pictures of the entire family. The walls were painted a light brown and the carpet a darker shade of that. Jessica finally made it to the kitchen and Lindsay came soon after."

The first two sentences are fine, but small error here I must correct. "With in" should be "Within" but that is just something minor. What threw off the flow was the sudden transition into describing the room. The main problem is this sentence: "With in a few minutes the room was lit up and you could see the quaint little living room." The narration suddenly changed style/whatever you call the use of 'you.' One thing English teachers always yell at their students is, "Show not tell!" Using the word 'you' is telling the author what they should see, not showing them what is actually there and thus making them see what you want them to see. Did that make sense at all? I think that was the lone sentence that ruined the mood.

Finally, the abrupt ending - even if it may be a cliffhanger - kind of ruins the mood even more. What does the deep voice say? At least it leaves the reader wondering. I have just one more question though: weren't Jessica and Lindsay supposed to be watching a movie? Sure, you can joke around and push each other while watching a movie but you didn't say exactly what happened to the movie. It left me a little bit confused.

Other than the above points that are purely suggestions - things you don't need to heed - it was plenty thrilling and quite interesting. The ending was a hook for the unwary reader, pulling them into your next chapter.

Before I leave, however, I'd like to ask you to take a look at this sentence: "'Beat you down there! Just try to be quiet don't want to wake mom or dad!'" Do you see anything wrong?

[Deavlynn]

This reminds me of my sister and I. I think you captured the essence of two sisters up in the middle of the night pretty well.

I like the fact that the younger sister was sitting up by the window. I get a good mental image of a small frame silhouetted by the occasional lightening.

The only thing I don't like is them racing down the stairs. It doesn't sound like they are awake enough or have enough energy to do that.

Looking forward to chapter two!