[ilovetowrite112]

I awoke one morning
And a snake was on my head
I asked " What are you doing here?"
And this is what he said....

"My name is Mr. Slithers
I have orders from the master
If I don't do what he says
there will surely be a disaster."

I asked him with wonder,
What did he want with me?
Did I do something wrong?
Will there be a fee?

" No, no, no, you have it all wrong
Friday is his birthday celebration
And if nobody comes
He'll have a bad sensation."

My mom always says
"If you really don't want to go
Make up an excuse," so I said
"No can do, I am going to Tokyo".

"I know that's not the truth
And I'm not very pleased."
He started to cry
And was begging on his knees.

This is when I got mad
My face turned very red
I picked him up and replied
"How about this instead?"

I hit him so hard
Right on the side of the face
He screamed and screamed with horror
As he flew right into space

That left me with a smile
Quite a puzzled one
I thought about my decision and said
"Wait that party could have been fun!"

[Serac]

Ha, ha, what? That was different, but it was nice. I don't know what the heck was going on with the snake, or who it's master was, or how the person managed to smack him into space, but still. I liked the ending, because I second guess a lot of my decisions too, even though I'm so slow to make most of them. Yay being able to relate with some portion of whatever it was I read!

[Storiesmaniac]

I have two questions, 1. how did the snake get on it's knees? i thought they didnt have knees. 2. did the person in the story/poem ever wonder why she was talking to a snake?

Nice poem, it made me laugh. Good work

[jason]

Nice poem, it reads like a children's chant. I think it works best when it flows with the rhythm and doesn't take itself too seriously. The last four lines seem to go off beat a little, especially the third last line.

[Timmay]

i was expectiong something different when i read the title... im such a mistake.

this poem flowed really well.

['Ginnis]

Haha, Timmay makes a valid point, a tittle revision could be in order. I thought it read really well for a children's poem, I know I laughed lightly.

[Venus]

Your poem started off really strong. The first few stanzaas were great.

" No, no, no, you have it all wrong
Friday is his birthday celebration
And if nobody comes
He'll have a bad sensation."

My mom always says
"If you really don't want to go
Make up an excuse," so I said
"No can do, I am going to Tokyo".


Those were pretty weak. They sort of came across as forced, like you couldn't come up with a good bridge to put the two strong portions of the poem together. The ending was spectacular, seriously, it was bloody hilarious. Great job.

[Ravane]

Pleased and knees don't exactly rhyme but still fit well together. I thought this was a great poem, and I felt that it was humorous.