[AnimeFreakGeek]

Synopsis: Prologue- Shadow Warriors of the Mountains
The Birth of the Shadow Assassins

Cloaked warriors who can move without detection, those who can out run any guards, warriors who are said to possess the gift of fire and flight, and those who can vanish into the night without a trace - these are the shadow warriors of the lands. Located on Honshu, the main island of Japan, the providences of Koga and Iga were the strongholds for the Ryu of the warriors. Both held many strongholds in the high mountains and deep valleys pf central Japan. Assassins, mercenaries, spies, warriors, they have been called many things by many people, yet few truly understand what it means to be a shadow warrior of the night. It was high in the mountains of the Koga province that the Zoa clan dwelt, lead by their master and commander, Kakei Juzo Kao. Kakei was named for the famed warrior of the Sanada Ten Braves who was skilled at concealment and whose trademark trick was faking his own death. Being only 35, Kakei was young to be master of a ryu and instructor to so many students, yet he was good at what he did and was famed and feared across Japan. In his ryu he had about 30 students in training, many who promised to be deadly forces in the near future, and a few who held the promise of becoming that generations finest fighting force of ninja.



Chapter 1- Every Beginning Has Its End,
Every End Has Its Beginning


“Has anyone seen Tani? He was supposed to meet me here for a sparring match over an hour ago and he hasn’t shown up yet.”

“He’s out on assignment, Kii,” A tall well built young man replied. “Master Kakei sent in out on a training run yesterday for field survival testing. He probably won’t be back till this evening or tomorrow morning.”

The young man stood there in the small clearing of their camp. His thick black hair stood short and wild on his head as the cool breeze blew down off the mountains. Dark piercing eyes seemed cold, but there was a gentle smile on his face. He was wearing the traditional shinobifuku of the ninja. Dark blue material set him apart from most of the others who wore either black or dark brown garbs. His cowl was undone, revealing his face as he turned and glanced back to the small huts where they all lived. His name was Kato Shoshunji and he has just turned 27 that month. Kato had been training as a ninja since he was just a boy. He had great skills as a swordsman and was also fond of using blinding techniques and pepper dust grenades in combat. Kato was well liked by everyone; even Tani looked upon him as an older brother.

Kato sighed as he turned and started to make his way back to the barracks when he heard the sound of footsteps running up behind him. A few seconds later he heard that familiar voice calling out to him.

“Kato! Hey, Kato! I’m back!”

Kato sighed as he rolled his eyes and turned around.


“I know you’re back, Tani; I could hear you running up like a herd of deer. How many times have I told you to concentrate on your steps? A ninja must…”

“Must be able to move silently like the wind… Yes, Yes, I know. Come on, Kato, give me a break here. I wasn’t even trying to be quiet because I was here in the camp.”

“A ninja must always be alert and ready.”

Tani rolled his eyes and laughed as he put his arm around his friend’s shoulder.

“Come on, Kato, I wanna show you what I got while I was out on my run.”

“I thought you were out on survival maneuvers,” Kato said with a confused look on his face. “You weren’t supposed to be on spy maneuvers.”

“Please! Wilderness survival is so over rated. Who needs it when you can raid a village and really survive!”

“Tani, please tell me you didn’t….”

Kato’s voice trailed off as he looked at what Tani had brought back with him. There in the bag he had been clutching was a wedge of cheese, a handful of dried rice, some pipe tobacco and a few slices of dried persimmons.

“Not bad for wilderness survival right?” Tani said as he punched Kato’s arm and puffed out his chest with pride.

“Tani, you are an absolute idiot!” Kato said as he cuffed the young man on the ear.

“Kato, you filthy little piece of…”

“Tani, how dare you! How dare you disobey the orders of our Master?”

“Hey, it’s the way of the ninja; it doesn’t matter how we accomplish out gals, as long as the end results are reached.”

“But you haven’t achieved it!”

“Don’t talk to me about honor and duty Kato. You know as well as I do that they have no place here. The ninja serves no master!”

“But while we are at the ryu, Kakei is our master and we are bound to him. The honor of the entire…”

“You sound like a damned samurai the way you are talking Kato.”

Kato stared at him as if he had just been slapped.

“What did you call me?”

“I called you a Samurai. That’s right, you are no better than the dirty, scum samurai with your talk of honor and duty!”

“Why do you always have to do this, Tani? Why can’t you see that both are needed?”

“Ninjas have to need for honor. We use any means necessary to reach out goals. My objective was to survive in the wilds for 24 hours, and I did. I found my own way of doing so- it’s the ninja way.”

“I can’t stand it when you are like this Tani!”
“I can’t stomach your samurai talk any more!”

With a cry, Kato charged, tacking Tani and sending them both rolling across the clearing of the camp. Soon a crowd was gathered around as they fought. Tani was in the Ichimonji no Kame defensive position and Kato was in the Jumonji no Kame offensive position. Kato has just received a fudo-ken blow to his jaw.

“Kato! Tani! What in the world are you two doing?” Kakei shouted as he ran up and stood between the two young men.

A quick glance at Kato’s swollen jaw gave him a fairly good idea of what had happened. He also knew that Tani was back sooner than he should have been and judging by the scattered contents of the bag, he had not been on wilderness survival mode either.

“Tani, when did you get back from your mission?”

“He never went where you sent him Master,” Kato said through clenched teeth as he glared at Tani. “He snuck into the village and stole from the stores again!”

“You are just jealous because I can do it better than you can!”

“Me, jealous of you! Hardly! I’m appalled at the way you are behaving, Tani! You are better than this. You have so much potential. Tani “Shuriken” Kotarie they call you because of your skill with the shuriken throwing stars. You have so much talent, yet you forget one of the core principles of the Ninja Covenant- “My body is control.”

“Yes, but it also says 'My strength is adaptability' and that is equally important. That is one of the keys to the way of the ninja and is as important as your stupid control ideas.”

Kato lunged at Tani but a firm hand against his chest held him back.

“Kato, at ease. I will speak with him,” Kakaei said with a sad smile at the young man.

He stood there want watched as Kato walked off, rubbing his swollen jaw. They other students faded away into the surrounding areas. Tani glanced behind him and saw Kakei still has his back to him and he tried to sneak away. Quick as a flash, Kakei’s hand shot out and grabbed Tani by the arm.

“Where are you going, Tani Kotarie?”

“I was just…”

“Tani, come with me.”

Kakei turned and walked down one of the numerous mountain paths leading from the camp. Tani followed as they both walked in silence for a long while. Neither one spoke till they stopped at a small outcropping overlooking one of the valley’s the clan controlled. Tani had been fiddling with one of the throwing stars he had hidden on the strap attached under his sleeves. With a quick flick of his wrist the metal disc flew a short ways before sinking deep into the trunk of a nearby maple.

“I just don’t understand Kato,” he muttered half to himself half out loud as Kakei walked over and pulled the disc out and handed it back to him.

“He speaks truth, you know this. You both speak truth. The way of the ninja is the way of both control and adaptability.”

”How can both of us be right?”

“One cannot exist without the other. There cannot be true adaptability without out control of the mind body and soul, nor can control exist without the ability to adapt. Both are necessary. Yet you and Kato are both lacking the skills needed to be true ninja warriors.”

“What are you saying, Master? I have mastered every level of swordsmanship that I am allowed to use at my age. I am the most skilled at the shuriken, and I am one of the stealthiest members of our clan. Does all this mean nothing to you?”

Kakei looked at Tani with a somewhat sad smile on his face.

“My son, let me ask you a question. It is a serious question so consider your answer carefully. Would you perform seppuku if it was deemed necessary? Would you perform the ninja suicide ritual were you to fail at a task you has been assigned to carry out?”

“I would,” Tani said almost without hesitation.

“That is what makes you still unfit to be a true ninja. You lack control- over your thoughts, your emotions, and your words.”

Tani stood there speechless with surprise at what he was hearing.

“When you perform your lessons for me, I can tell you are not focused. Your mind wanders and that reduces your efficiency in battle. The fight you just had with Kato is another example of your lack of control. Tell me, Tani, why did you fight him?”

“He made me angry…” Tani said bitterly.

“But he was partly right, wasn’t he? What do the prophets tell us? ‘Provocation can only be achieves when you allow yourself to be provoked.’ You let your emotions get the best of you and you lost control. True, Kato might have taken the first step to the actual fight, but you could have walked away at any time, and you were not helping things by prodding him on like you were.”

Tani just stood there silently and nodded slowly.

“And you also showed your lack of control in the way you responded to my question just a few minutes ago. Seppuku is the ninja tradition of suicide that is performed when we fail a mission or are of no further use to the cause we are in. I asked if you would be willing to do this and told you to think carefully before answering, yet you were quick to respond. Do you not realize that you failed in the task I sent you out to perform? I told you to do something and you failed to achieve the desired results. Tani you have such promise and are one of my favorite students. But you lack the control necessary for you to truly be great. I see great things in you; I only want you to think honestly about what I have told you today.”

Tani looked up at Kakei and nodded, a faint shimmer in his eyes as he nodded.

“I will, Master,” he said as he bowed low.

Kakei walked over and put his hands on the young man’s shoulders.

“I am ninja,” Kakei said in a proud voice.

“My way is ninjustu,” Tani replied with a hint of a smile.

“Good lad, now off you go. Find Kato and make amends between you before the sun sets, lest bitterness take root between the two of you.”

Kakei watched at Tani turned and made his way back towards camp. When he had faded from sight, Kakei turned and gazed out across the valley and smiled as the wind picked up and a hawk flew overhead, its cry echoing in the valley. He then turned and followed after Tani.

When Tani made it back to the camp, he soon found Kato sitting by one of the fires. He had a cloth, packed with melting snow from the ground, held to his jaw. Slowly he walked up to him, his steps silent this time, even in the slush of the melting first snow.

“Ummmm, Kato… Look I, I just wanted to let you know… I wanted to say that I’m sorry for striking you.”

Kato lowered the rag as he turned and looked at Tani. His jaw was swollen and was starting to bruise some.

”Finally accepting the fact that you were wrong?” he asked with a slight laugh.

Tani felt the flash of anger but he remembered what Kakei had told him; he had to control himself.

“Yeah… yeah, I have. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that… and... I shouldn’t have disobeyed Master Kakei either. I ask for your pardon,” he said with a slight bow to Kato.

Kato sat there, blinking in shock and surprise, at a loss for words for a moment and then started to laugh as he stood.

“Of course, silly boy,” he said as he put an arm around his friend’s shoulder. “Even though you can be an idiot at times, you are still like my little brother to me,” he said as he ruffled Tani’s long dark hair.

The two young men laughed together as they headed off towards the hut where they both lived . As they left, they didn’t notice Kakei standing there watching them with a smile.

“Every beginning has its end and every end has its beginning,” he muttered as he turned and made his way to his own quarters.




Authors Note: This is one of only a few large non fanficton works I have done and currently writing this story at this time.

[Wordsmyth]

First off I'll let you know that I like this type of story. You did a good job with it and I thought that the dialogue was done well. It seemed to flow along at a decent speed and kept my interest which was a good thing. By the end of the story I was looking forward to the next installment.

There are a few things I'll point out to you. First off you seem to have a habit of hitting the "T" key instead of the "R" key. Thats not really a major problem, but you might take a little extra time to read over your work and fix them before you post it.

We use any means necessary to reach out goals

it doesn’t matter how we accomplish out gals

I believe you also left out an o in goals in the example above

“Ninjas have to need for honor.

Ninjas have no need for honor

With a cry, Kato charged, tacking Tani

believe you meant tackling

Would you perform the ninja suicide ritual were you to fail at a task you has been assigned to carry out?”

have

‘Provocation can only be achieves when you allow yourself to be provoked.

achieved

I believe that just about all of these are typos and not real grammar mistakes. Like I said before, they can be taken care of by a thourough read through before posting. It'll make the editors job a little easier also.


Overall a good job. let's see the next one.!

[AnimeFreakGeek]

Thank you for the read and the feedback.
^//////^ i have a bad habit of hitting the wrong keys or hitting them out of order... I will be extra careful to read over better when I submit.
Thanks for everything!

[Phonoho]

Thing is, I fixed all that, and a few other things, when I edited this piece with MS Word. It seems I pasted the unedited version back in by mistake. Please accept my apologies for this error.
I, to, enjoyed the quick pace and style of this story. I must admit though, being 300 years old and all, I never got into manga style stories. Nevertheless, I did like the characters; they stood out in relief and, as I had mentioned to you, seemed fully formed, as if you were quite familiar with them. They feel as if they have a shared history, giving me the impression that I had stepped into an episode of an ongoing storyline. You obviously spent some time fleshing them out and it shows. I found myself anticipating the beginning of an adventure and looking forward to the next installment.

[AnimeFreakGeek]

Its ok- I should appologize to you for not being more careful with the typos before i sent it in.
I am glad you appreciate the "history" of the characters and I do spend quite a bit of time developing their character and personalities and I do have a brief bio and history set up for each one of them that serves as the framework for how they interact with each other. My characters for me are alive in some way- they are not just characters that i slap a name on and write a story about- its as if they are actual people who think feel behave fear dout and dream the same as we do. For this chapter alone there is probably almost 5 days worth of research in for everything Anyways sorry, didnt mean to ramble- I am glad you like it! ^_^

[Razor]

I like ninjas.... strike that love 'em, so I'm already wanting this story to be great before I start to read. It's pretty good. The thing I think it's lacking is character, and not actual people-characters. I mean in the delivery and style it lacks character.

I feel like I'm reading the overview of a scene, not the meat and potatoes of it. I hope you don't take this in a bad way. I'm not being mean and critical, I'm saying it because I want to know what these characters are thinking and feeling. I want to be able to relate too them so bad, but I'm having trouble right now.

The young man stood there in the small clearing of their camp. His thick black hair stood short and wild on his head as the cool breeze blew down off the mountains. Dark piercing eyes seemed cold, but there was a gentle smile on his face. He was wearing the traditional shinobifuku of the ninja. Dark blue material set him apart from most of the others who wore either black or dark brown garbs. His cowl was undone, revealing his face as he turned and glanced back to the small huts where they all lived. His name was Kato Shoshunji and he has just turned 27 that month. Kato had been training as a ninja since he was just a boy. He had great skills as a swordsman and was also fond of using blinding techniques and pepper dust grenades in combat. Kato was well liked by everyone; even Tani looked upon him as an older brother.

I like a descriptive paragraph like this at the beginning to set the scene, tell us who we have in front of us, and what is going on. Definitely a plus. Just make sure it sets the mood and portrays everything you want the reader to know before the dialog starts. Here are a few suggestions: (Please remember this is all my opinion, so means it isn't necessarily right. Feel free to take any or none of it)

First of all I would suggest two paragraphs because this is a big one. Nothing technically wrong with that, but as a writer we have to adhere to our readers...readers don't like big paragraphs. Don't get me wrong, some really don't mind, but we have to write for the masses.

Most books are sold with small pages or big font, because it makes it easier for the reader to get through a page, and that they enjoy, which encourages them to keep reading. Its psychological, but it works.

Secondly streamline your descriptions and always be on the look-out for how you can make each one better, sometimes more is less. (sometimes not, you have to make the decision)

Deep in the lush forests of Japan, in a small clearing littered with shelters made from stick and stone, stands a young man. Thick black hair stands short and wild on his head with a cool mountain breeze rustling through it. Dark eyes pierce the air like a winter's wind, but on his face was a warming smile. A dark blue shinobifuku hangs on (clings to) his lithe body.

His name is Kato Shoshunji having just turned 27, he life has been one of training. It has produced an inspiring skill with a sword, but the sword isn't the only thing Kato isknown for. Binding techniques have earned Kato the nickname 'Snare.'" ..... or whatever, you get the idea.

The red part, needs a little more explanation. Why also Tani? Does Tani not like most people, if so why? If you just want to establish that Kato is well liked, it will help the flow of the story if you take out the last sentence and show he is liked within the context of the story with people constantly talking or saying hi to him.

“But he was partly right, wasn’t he? What do the prophets tell us? ‘Provocation can only be achieves when you allow yourself to be provoked.’ You let your emotions get the best of you and you lost control. True, Kato might have taken the first step to the actual fight, but you could have walked away at any time, and you were not helping things by prodding him on like you were.”

Tani just stood there silently and nodded slowly.

“And you also showed your lack of control in the way you responded to my question just a few minutes ago. Seppuku is the ninja tradition of suicide that is performed when we fail a mission or are of no further use to the cause we are in. I asked if you would be willing to do this and told you to think carefully before answering, yet you were quick to respond. Do you not realize that you failed in the task I sent you out to perform? I told you to do something and you failed to achieve the desired results. Tani you have such promise and are one of my favorite students. But you lack the control necessary for you to truly be great. I see great things in you; I only want you to think honestly about what I have told you today.”

These three sentences I quoted. There is good stuff there, but it doesn't hit very hard because the speaker (sensei) doesn't come across wise, calm and sagacious like I think you want him to be.

First off, when you write it in your head or at least see it in your head, make sure we are getting enough details so we can it play out like you see it. When you see a pause in the conversation work it into your dialog. Like the first paragraph maybe something more along these lines:

"Yes, and did that anger come from thinking he was wrong or realizing he was half correct?" Kakei dark sagacious eyes find Kato's, who's can't hold the gaze long before finding his feet. "What do the prophets tell us Tani?" Tani looks up knowing what's to come. "‘Provocation can only be achieved when you allow yourself to be provoked.’" Tani says finishing with Kakei. "Yes, my young warrior. We both know it isn't a matter of knowledge, but of mind and will to exercise and master it.

"I admit, it isn't easy. Mastering our emotions is like taming a wild beast. They love to rage out of control," he looks out over the landscape, "but if left alone they will conquer you my son." Tani looks up in surprise. "They will conquer anyone."

Kakei watches two birds build a nest for the spring. "Without emotion there would be no compassion and friendship, but...without control of emotion, there is hatred and animosity." Kakei faces contorts into a frown before turning to place a hand on Tani's shoulder. "Don't let that become of you; for I see great potential in you my son. It would be a shame for you to travel the path many have before you of strength without control. That path slowly makes them no more than a wild animal, a slave to their emotions and instincts, and then, eventually, it leads to their undoing." Tani fiddles with his sandal as he takes in his sensei's words.

"With the disagreement between you and Kato, no matter who might have taken the first step towards the fight, it took both of you moving to that end, in order to achieve it."

Adding description, pauses, facial expressions and even emotions the characters are feeling will add tons of depth. It will really help draw the reader in.

This is a good story. I like the theme and the direction. The characters are human, and can be easy to relate to with a little tweaking. Keep up the good work, and I'll be waiting for the next installment.

[AnimeFreakGeek]

I apprecite your feedback and agree with you on some parts. I left out some details on purpos ebecasue in the past i have been told that i am TOO descriptive- and i know how hard it can be to read things where it takes 3 pages to set up a 3 min scene LOL i guess I just need a better ballance. Thanks for the tips and feedback! I will see if i can do better in chapter 2

[ea_blue]

Well, I can't offer much more than has already been said. I just wanted to offer my support. This is a very good beginning.

At this point, Kakei seems a bit like cardboard to me. He says all the things I would expect a wise sensei to say. And that's the problem. He doesn't have anything distinct about him. He's too generic. A missing pinkie finger or a strange tattoo on the left hand would make him more interesting. Even better are behavioral quirks like a certain way of walking or a very specific expression (crooked smiled?) used over and over again. Those sorts of things really round out characters and make them memorable.

Looking forward to hearing about the further adventures of the shadow warriors.

Cheers!

ea_blue

[WorldWarCheese]

“Hey, it’s the way of the ninja; it doesn’t matter how we accomplish out gals, as long as the end results are reached.”

“But you haven’t achieved it!”

“Don’t talk to me about honor and duty Kato. You know as well as I do that they have no place here. The ninja serves no master!”

I found this line odd, one states that the other didn't do his mission and the other talks about honor. Either he assumed that the other was going to go into the whole "honor" thing already and jumped the gun or I don't know.

It just seems that these two sentences are unrelated in terms of subject matter and are simply held together by the fact that they're arguing.

“You sound like a damned samurai the way you are talking Kato.”

Kato stared at him as if he had just been slapped.

“What did you call me?”

Historical Note of No Significance to the Story Itself: Ninja and Samurai were not Mutually Exclussive.

With a cry, Kato charged, tacking Tani and sending them both rolling across the clearing of the camp. Soon a crowd was gathered around as they fought. Tani was in the Ichimonji no Kame defensive position and Kato was in the Jumonji no Kame offensive position. Kato has just received a fudo-ken blow to his jaw.

I'm omniscient and an anime geek so I know what you're talking about (Oh God, the Booj is coming back to haunt me AND I'M NOT EVEN LOOKING FOR TROUBLE!!!) but most readers won't have a fucking clue. I recommend either describing these stances and the strike or simply saying "fighting stances" or something similar.

My objective was to survive in the wilds for 24 hours, and I did.

If the objective was time based how can he say he completed it when he is obviously back early?

Would you perform seppuku if it was deemed necessary? Would you perform the ninja suicide ritual were you to fail at a task you has been assigned to carry out?”

Another interesting historical note: Ninja's didn't have a suicide ritual.

May I ask: Are you in the Booj? Maybe Aikido? (Most likely Booj, Aiki doesn't do Jumanji) Or (now answer honestly) did you get this from a book? Maybe a manga? I'm just curious. (I do Judo <-- Check out the Martial Arts thread I made)

As a standalone this is a good story. Good moral, conflict and everyone loves ninjers. If you made this into a longer story tho' I'd leave the conflict unresolved because it makes things a little unbelievable if placed into a long-term setting. "Pow!" "Don't hit him" "Sorry" "It's otay, I lub you" "lub you too" is very good format for a stand alone but not the greatest if you have more to say (conflict is more fun).

Aside from the historical notes (Which aren't really anything, since it's a story and fuck history) the only problem is all the characters seemed pretty... bland. You have the cocky bastard, the up-tight prick and the sage Asian dude, even their descriptions seem to be pretty boring and un-imaginative. Flesh them out, devote a little more space to describing who they are or what they look like, I'd get more involved with the characters if they didn't feel like various characters from Power Rangers (Zordon IS the man tho')

Either way, it wasn't a bad story at all. Keep it up.

(Oh, and for the "fudo-ken" all I could think about was HADO-KEN! from Ryu in Street Fighter)

[Masa]

Well I'll just begin by saying nice to meet you, my name is Masa, Storiesmania's resident Half-Japanese boy. Because of my... cultural backgrounds I enjoyed your story into a particular depth that those without our knowledge would have a bit more trouble with.

Your story flowed well, and it was very easy to read as you and I write in similar styles. I also wish to comment on your romaji, as it is actually very good! You should know that if I can read and translate a bit, then you did very well!

Your characters are believable (as far as fictional ninjas go) and I can see your fanfiction roots (I was at one point a fanfic writer as well). This comment is a good deal late, but I hope it is taken despite my most maniacal tardiness.

All in all, goo' job!

[timtornado3721]

Watch your tenses, you switch between present and past a couple times. Be sure to check your spelling because you also use some unnecesary words in your sentences. Some of which Mike found a while ago and still haven't been changed. If you've been busy lately thats understandable just make sure to write a note in the Synopsis for any future readers to ignore them because they do get annoying.

Overall, the story could be better if you fixed the spelling and watched out for the word tenses. I had a problem with them fo a while but my writing is getting better now that they aren't a factor.

[Gurdit]

First off, I think you should re-read this once just to correct all the typos. "pf" instead of "of", and "in" instead of "on" in a couple of areas. Just reading through this, you ought to be able to spot a few more unintended spelling errors.

those who can out run any guards

It should be "outrun" -- just a single word there.

.

the providences of Koga

Is it "providences" or "provinces"?

.

and he has just turned 27 that month.

I think it should be "had". I'm not sure if this is a typo, but I should also point out that in order to agree with the past tense you've been using so far, "had" is better than "had".

Also, you initially described him as a young, well-built and tall man. However, at age 27, that doesn't really make him all that young. I would have expected him to have been around 19 or 20, when you initially said "young".

.

Ninjas have to need for honor. We use any means necessary to reach out goals.

These are just a couple of the very many typo errors I've spotted already. I really need to point them out because they detract from the experience of reading. I also think that it would take nothing more than just one extra read-through to get rid of these, and honestly, I think it's the writer's responsibility to fix these up. By the way, you can still fix them by editing the post.

.

My son, let me ask you a question.

This is Kakei speaking, who you say is only 30. I'd assume that Tani is older than 25 as well, considering Kato is 27 already. Yet, Kakai refers to him as "my son"...this, to me, appears to be an age inconsistency.

.

Now coming to the story itself...I liked it. I've not been much of a fan of Japanese RPG-styled anime, sometimes because the names confuse me, and other times because it's just too complex to follow. However, seeing as how this was just